Gather round, my Hillians. Cup a cup of cocoa in both of your hands. No, both of them. Like I said. Make sure the marshmallows float lazily. Poke them if they don’t. Sit near a window. If there’s snow outside, gaze at in comfortable superiority. Get toasty. Get homey in the most First-World, Midwestern way possible. Because I’m about to squeeze out one of those annual holiday letters that recounts the year we just endured, replete with the past family tediums that no one asked to read about. Yeah, you know them–those narcissistic letters that are impossible to read because your eyes keep rolling. Those ones. They’re always written in the 3rd person even though you know exactly who wrote them. The one crazed person who desperately wants to project THE PERFECT LIFE, reflecting on the year in fraudulently positive ways as their personal demons close in and the wine glass empties. These letters usually accompany a professionally shot family photo that would have been just fine all on its own. Jill never lets me send out these letters. GODDAMN I hate these letters. So here’s ours.
2015 was filled with challenges and triumphs, awards not won and trips not taken, new enemies made and old friends neglected.
Here are some highlights!
No babies dropped from Jill’s body because Jeff got a vasectomy in February! After a lot of griping and whining and procrastinating that he called “planning,” Jeff finally went in and paid someone to cut his man parts good. Sorry, grandmas, no more unschooled grandkids. Jeff is completely impotent! His semen contains no sperm!
In April, Jeff decided to grow a beard. We think he looks so different!
In June, Jeff went to BlogU. The kids were terribly sad to see him go and they cried as he left for the airport. They even clawed at his unmanly legs. But WOW, what an experience! It was a conference full of bloggers and friends and Jeff was nervous at first because he has persistent anxiety issues, but he soon came around and had a fun time connecting and chatting and using his drink tickets. #RefreshYourFunny Jeff! During the numerous sessions, he learned that he should care about things like reach and tribe and writing quality content that people will actually want to fucking read. SEO, people! Julie went with him and she learned a lot about Pinterest and being a virtual assistant. VAJ: that stands for Virtual Assistant Julie. We’ll get those cards printed someday, VAJ! Jeff submitted four posts to be considered for Term Paper of the Year in four different categories. Unfortunately, none of his posts were any good. AWWW. That’s OK, Jeff! You’ll get them next year, tiger baby muffin ! Woo hoo!
In August, Jeff went to see Motley Crue in concert. How retro and quaint!
In November, we all went to North Carolina for a family trip to visit the one sister who moved away years ago. About two decades ago. They built a house there without ever looking back. It was great reconnecting and watching the cousins play. They found a wheel bug! If a wheel bug bites you, it can hurt for over a month! YOWZERS! Unfortunately, hurricane Joaquim was also in town. So we couldn’t do all the outside stuff we had planned, but we still had artisan coffee!
Jill discovered her inner projectionist this year and decided to buy every projector that Amazon sells. But don’t worry, she sent back all the reasonably-priced ones. So now the kids can watch all their favorite YouTubers on the wall in the dining room as we dine on take-out! Sushi Thaime anyone? We even showed a holiday movie once. Right up there on the wall! Whatever was on Netflix. I don’t remember!
Speaking of Netflix, Jill found John Mulaney on there one night. Oh, how her eyes lit up when John Mulaney appeared! John Mulaney is a fresh-faced young comedian whose every word elicits good feelings. Jeff thought he was just okay. To say that Jill merely watched his two standup specials back-to-back is a gross understatement. She consumed them, her eyes never leaving the screen, her lips never dropping a grin, even as she took the occasional sip from her wine glass and exclaimed, “He is soooooo good! And funny!” Of course, she texted Julie immediately, while John was filling her screen, telling Julie all about him. And Julie texted back something about The Flash on Netflix. Seems like Netflix has a lot to offer lately! Look out, Jeff, you got some competition for Jill’s funny bone!
More recently, Jill took the kids to see Star Wars the Force Awakens. Later, she said her favorite parts were the ones she got to watch.
Anyway, that was our year! The laughs were plenty because we absolutely needed them! We really really did. In fact, we could use some more! Holy shit, do you have any? Seriously, if you have any laughs just send them along. Put them in a box or padded envelope and send them to “Jeff and Jill Need Some Laughs” and tie that parcel to a carrier pigeon and slap that pigeon’s ass and send that pigeon flying. I’m sure it’ll get here. Hopefully, it’ll get here in time!
Hope is a four-letter word that begins with H!
We can’t wait to see what shenanigans await in 2016.
Happy New Year!
Make it a sweet ’16!