I think nothing sums up “first-world problems,” quite like people denouncing those who declare their apathy for the new Star Wars film. Which is exactly what I’m about to do.

I’m not objecting to the fact that  people don’t want to see a movie from a franchise that has defined my childhood and the development of my entire generation. I don’t care that they don’t care. What annoys me is their need to make a huge pronouncement about it. Like they’re fighting a civil rights crusade.

Before the movie hit theaters, I saw posts floating around Facebook with things like: “Sorry, but this is me not giving a shit about the new Star Wars movie!” A response to a question that NO ONE asked.

How was I expected to respond? Thanks? Apology accepted?  What exactly are they fishing for here?

What makes these folks seek out confrontation? They could just as easily not say a word and ignore the hoopla and live relatively combat-free lives. That was my strategy during the Harry Potter films and the Hunger Games series and the Twilight comedies.

What’s the upside to declaring your independence from a movie that no one is forcing you to see? Even more important, what’s the end goal? To get fewer people to see it? Why? All this shit gives me are more questions.

I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens on opening day. Being someone who hates spoilers with extreme prejudice, I was happy to be safely spoiler-proof for the duration of the holiday season. However, being someone who always says the exact wrong thing, I found myself worried that I would accidentally become what I most hate.

Well, today a friend of mine posted a comment on Facebook about overhearing a “spoiler-free” conversation about SW:TFA.  It was a rather funny post. A delightful one, even. And it inspired me to comment thusly:

It’s terryfying to know that I can ruin many lives with one sentence in a Facebook comment field. And by terryfying I mean exhilarating.

I was being cheeky. Look how playfully I spelled terryfying! It’s playful! A playful take on my last name! And that little dark turn at the end of the comment was just a playful nod to how power, any little dose of power, will instantly corrupt even the best of us. Playful!

Then a friend of my friend commented up immediately. Commented the fuck up. She wasn’t going to let shit slide today, bros.

I can honestly i don’t give a shit at all about star wars.

Dayum. She was so mad at my power trip that she just didn’t even give a fuck about English right then. She had that blurry fury. When you’re so mad that you can’t even see the keyboard but somehow your anger finds the keys.

Fuck all your oppressive English! I got to squash a goddamned tyrant up in here right the fuck now and I ain’t got time for properness!!This is what I imagine was going through her mind in that frenzied moment.

I wasn’t sure if her comment was actually directed at me, indirect as it was. Though, when given the opening to elaborate, she did:

I just scoff at those who think they have power over me with details from a movie. But you know everyone, go on with your bad selves

Yeah, it was about me.

Really? She felt threatened by that?  By me?? The world must be full of terror and microaggressions everywhere she goes.

It’s not like I called her out in my comment. I didn’t know she existenced up until that very moment. And I used general language in my comment. I said “many lives.” Not all. But no matter. Somehow, I had drawn blood.

I didn’t respond to her comments. She didn’t address  me as her tormentor, and I genuinely like my Facebook friend so I didn’t see the need to escalate the issue. And I’m also not going to base my judgment of an entire complex human being on one Facebook interaction–she may be someone who is awesome in every way. After all, if she’s a friend of this particular friend then she’s passed a very rigorous screening process as far as I’m concerned.

Also, let’s be honest–my comment was kind of dumb. And since I’m only funny if you know me, her reaction may have been completely justified in the eyes of many, many people.

But damn, it sure seems like people need to lighten the fuck up. Didn’t I just write about this? 

It also got me thinking of other people in my life who enjoy taking pointless stands against impotent things–things they can just completely ignore with impunity. Not like taxes.

These inconsequential wars baffle me.

I have a great friend who is one of the most generous, considerate people I know. But don’t offer him coffee.

I’ve never had a sip of coffee in my life and I never will!

He’s said that very thing to me on a number of occasions. Unprovoked and unexpected. Just completely voluntary and out of the blue. Like a form of anti-coffee tourette’s. Every time, I feel like there’s something missing. Like a reason. Something like:

I’ve never had a sip of coffee in my life and I never will! That’ll teach them bean-picking bastards from Colombia for making those pack mules carry all those beans! Those poor pack-mules!!!! They work so goddamned hard and NO ONE brushes them!! NO ONE! They all die unbrushed!

But I never ask and he never explains.

It’s not like you have to offer him a cup, or even ask him what he thinks of coffee. If he sees you drinking it, he might just have to let you know exactly how he feels about your caffeinated drink of choice right then and not a moment later.

And he’ll be so proud. Like a recovering alcoholic who spent all night in a bar shooting pool and drinking nothing but water. Though, to make the analogy completely true to my friend’s experience, that alcoholic never had a sip of alcohol in his life.

So what exactly is he rebelling against? Who is pushing coffee on him? Did something profoundly painful happen to him after someone offered him a cup and he said “No thanks”?

I’ll never know. Because why argue when you can choose to not argue?

There are so many other people who are sticking it to the man–even though the man isn’t trying to do a goddamn thing to them.

I know someone who has proudly declared that he’s never eaten shrimp. Proudly. With pride.

I know a woman who refuses to try anything on her cheeseburger that isn’t cheese, meat, and bun. And that’s the way she likes it!

I’ve met people who declare that they’ve never been out of state. Like Illinois is going to give  them an attendance award or something. “No need to leave! What them other states got that I need? Nothing! That’s goddamned right!”

Why are there so many proudly and pointlessly defiant attitudes about impotent things? Is everyone so afraid that some slick Svengoolie is going to begin to exert control over their will if they open their mind just a crack and let in a new experience? Are people terrified of losing personal control to someone else’s off-hand joke?

Oh yeah, that’s all it takes! Laugh at his joke now and soon he’s waving his PENIS at everyone and exerting his man-will all over the place! I know how this goes! You gotta quash it as soon as it bubbles up like a festering sac of man-pus!!!

I don’t know. Here’s how I see it: If you take a pointless stand, then you’re just standing there pointlessly.

I stand for not taking pointless stands. And that’s the way I likes it!!!








  1. I will never eat Tofu in Siberia.

    So there.

  2. Maybe with all of the real horrors happening in the world right now—ISIS, classroom shootings, getting cancer and getting bankrupted because, even with insurance, you can’t afford the treatment—people are taking hardline stands against impotent things to make themselves feel like that aren’t completely powerless. Or, maybe people are becoming more and more stupid as they exert their power and control where they can. Yeah, the second one’s probably more likely. Especially when forums like Facebook and commenting sections tend to rev up people and lower their IQ at the same time.

    Can you tell I’m enjoying the hell out of catching up with your blog this morning? More please!

    • jeffandjill

      12/22/2015 at 11:41 am

      I’m glad you are because I don’t know why I’m posting all of a sudden. Or is it “all of the sudden”? I’m sure the Internet will correct me if I’m wrong.

  3. I think it’s because people who don’t drink coffee and don’t like Star Wars know that even if they’re not being judged, they should be. And harshly. There. I said it! I’m also catching up on all your posts. I said that too. Out loud. But in a low murmur so the kid wouldn’t wake up. You can’t prove different.

    • jeffandjill

      01/19/2016 at 9:14 am

      I was wondering why you were commenting on this ancient pile of dreck that I pounded out in a fevered rage. I have a lot of catching up to do on countless blogs. I’m horrible. I should be judged. And harshly.

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