Remember when I wrote about the meat saq? This post is also about something stupid for men to wear. Only this time I wore it. And I’m including photographic evidence.

Every other day the Internet coughs up some stupidity that washes up on Facebook’s shores, prompting people to stand around it and poke at its bloated existence with sticks while chatting about how stupid it is and pondering what to do about it as the world burns behind them.

And then every once in a while some stupid will do something with it, taking countless selfies along the way. Yes, I meant to write “some stupid,” if you’re wondering. Some people are more stupid than human and should just be called stupids. I’m a stupid. As you will see.

Ever do something stupid, that you know is stupid, and it turns out stupid, and then you just feel stupid?

Ever wish you were someone else writing a better post?

One day, Facebook told me about beard baubles. Back around Thanksgiving, this was. I was either super depressed or super happy because I found myself thinking “I should try that.”

Then I just forgot about it.

But then I remembered about it.

Actually, my Virtual Assistant Julie remembered about it and asked if I was going to get them. Without thinking or responding to Julie, I opened my laptop, found them on Amazon, and bought the set of baubles that got the highest customer rating. “Without thinking” is a key phrase.

The pic on the product page looked like this:

Beardaments Jeff bought at

Photograph copyright

My beard doesn’t look like that.

A set of 12 set me back $9.99 and whatever dignity I may have had which wasn’t much.

I wanted to get them before my work’s holiday party so I could wear them to my work’s holiday party. Thank JEEBUS I didn’t. Because this is what I looked like at my work’s holiday party:

Jeff at his work's holiday party at

Photograph copyright Lipman Hearne

And this is what I look like when I wear my Beardaments®:

Jeff and his BEARDMENTS at

I also wore them on my junk (not pictured).

I understand that this post is too late for some of you. I should have written this sooner. For that, I apologize. Those who were going to buy these for their beards this season have probably already bought them. And I highly doubt these will be a thing next year. Which makes this post pointless. That’s fine. I strive to provide the Finest Nothing on the Internet©. But still. If only I had posted this sooner.

The only thing I can do to make this purchase the tiniest bit worthwhile is work on growing my beard out in time to wear these face ornaments on the Fourth of July. I’ll call them Freedom Balls©.

I can’t wait to show the world my Freedom Balls©.




  1. If those ornaments look that good on your face, I absolutely cannot wait to see your Freedom Balls. I’ll bet that if your beardaments had arrived in time for the holiday party, the woman in the picture would be trying to hand you a twenty instead of a one. July can’t get here fast enough. Remember to remind Julie to remind you.

    • jeffandjill

      12/22/2015 at 10:45 am

      hahahaha I have no idea why my friend had that dollar in her hand, but I’d bet that if I was wearing the Beardaments at the party, then there wouldn’t have been anyone posing for a photo with me and there wouldn’t have been any photo of me.

  2. I’m usually the first to roll my eyes at the things around FB but I kind of like these, made made me laugh. And honestly you don’t look half bad in them. 🙂

    • jeffandjill

      12/28/2015 at 8:37 am

      Thank you, but I was more excited about these things before they were slapping against my face. And it’s not the fault of the Beardaments. I just needed a longer beard. And a different face.

  3. A hahahahahha. You are the reason I read the Internet (insert copyright sign here).

    • jeffandjill

      01/06/2016 at 9:21 am

      Learning how to type that ® was the best thing I ever learned in 2015. And readers who say I am the reason they read the Internet are the reason I write on the Internet. So, you are an accomplice now. Thank you!!

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