Yes, it’s another Panda Express post. It’s really a waste of your time to wonder why I continue to eat there. So don’t bother.
But this time they went too far.
I got hungry one day at work. I rode the electric forest down and headed to PanEx. I ordered honey walnut shrimp and orange chicken. Debi didn’t scoop it out so I only had 4 pounds of glistening meat to eat. I ate it as quickly as possible at my desk because that’s what Americans do.
I got to the end. My plastic fork knocked about a few stray clumps of rice on the styrofoam astroturf. I considered licking the inside of the container, but decided I had too much dignity for that. I dabbed the remaining rice with my fingers instead.
Since I finished all my food like a good little boy, I felt that I deserved a treat. PanEx thought so too. I opened my fortune cookie and gobbled it up like it was the antidote. Like it was going to undo all the damage I had just done to my body with the shrimp and chicken.
It was in the glistening afterglow I read the Eastern Wisdom typed carefully onto the strip of paper that was once purposefully housed in food.
I got this:
What the fuck, Panda.
In case you couldn’t read that, my fortune read:
WORK ON IMPROVING YOUR EXERCISE ROUTINE
Blunt. An audacious take-down blaming me for what their food is doing to my body.
Though I’m sure it was safe for the fortune writer to assume that if you’re eating at PanEx, then your personal fitness routine has some room for improvement.
I know it’s my fault for eating there. The damage to my arteries and overall health is my choice every time I command Debi to scoop for me. But with that plainly stated six-word lecture, they’re completely glossing over their role in my murder. If they were concerned about my health and wanted to help in the only way within their power, then it should have read:
YOU REALLY NEED TO MAKE BETTER LUNCH CHOICES
Or refuse to serve me and instead hand me a fortune cookie fortune (withholding the cookie, of course) that reads:
YOU ARE ON PANDA PROBATION. COME BACK WHEN YOU’RE HEALTHY.
But they won’t. They want me to eat there every day. Three times a day. And if I have to up my exercise game to offset the damage caused by their delicious poison, then that’s exactly what they expect me to do.
That’s the definition of ballsy, Panda.
They’re toeing the line. But I wonder: why not go all in? They’re already shaming their customers. They’re flat-out assuming that we’re lazy. Why pull punches? Personally, I’d have more respect for Panda if they would completely commit to being assholes. No half measures in the shame campaign.
In the spirit of helpfulness, I wrote some fortune cookies to kick it off:
PLEASE TAKE OUR FOOD TO GO
ELASTIC WAISTBANDS WILL HELP YOU REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL
IT’S NOT US. IT’S YOU.
SOMETIMES A MIRROR CAN BE TOO HONEST
IF YOU WEREN’T FAT, THEN WE COULDN’T FAT-SHAME YOU. JUST SAYIN’.
SO YOU JUST ATE THAT COOKIE, HUH? YOU EARN THAT COOKIE? WORK HARD TODAY, DID YOU? NOW THAT THE COOKIE IS IN YOU, DO YOU KNOW WHAT WAS IN THE COOKIE? NO, OF COURSE YOU DON’T. BECAUSE WE DIDN’T PRINT THE NUTRITION INFORMATION ON THE WRAPPER AND WE KNOW YOU’RE TOO GODDAMNED LAZY TO DO SOME BASIC INTERNET RESEARCH EVEN IF IT MEANS DIRE HEALTH CONSEQUENCES. UNHEALTHY AND STUPID GO HAND IN HAND. OUR FOOD MIGHT MAKE YOU SICK, BUT YOU DEFINITELY MAKE US SICK.
WE OWN YOUR FAT ASS
This is a start. These were just some fortunes off the top of my head. I’m not saying that these can’t be improved upon. The important thing for PanEx to take from my musings is if they’re going to be tone-deaf, idiotic jagoffs, then at least commit to it.
Because once you cross that line of acceptable behavior, the possibilities are limitless.
Run with it.