CHIPOTLE RANT

I want to get something straight–my role in any restaurant is to eat the food, not prepare it. And I’d love to get an answer from whoever cooked up Chipotle’s asinine business model: Do you see me as a customer or a consultant? Because I might have to send you a bill.

Chipotle Architect, you make Mexican food, right? Well, I’m neither a chef nor Mexican so why am I  telling you how to make the f**king burrito? That’s an insult to both Mexicans and chefs.

Just make my f**king steak burrito.

If you hired a carpenter to build a room for you and the very first thing he did when he showed up to your house was ask you what nails he should use, you would fire his ass on the spot. Hopefully.

I don’t know if cilantro lime rice is the best thing to combine with black beans. I have no clue. If you need me to make the burrito, then you didn’t think this restaurant thing through before opening the doors. How did you know I’d ever stop in to instruct you on how to prepare the perfect burrito? That was a huge gamble. And you lost.

Do you not pay your people enough? How do you train them? In fact, why do you have people there at all?? If you’re going to let any idiot off the street throw beans and rice together and call it a burrito, then just put the ingredients under a sneeze guard and we can scoop them out ourselves.

The people on the other side of the counter are just extra sets of hands. You’re making these people accomplices in our culinary crimes. Where are the experts? Where’s the flavor specialist? Where’s the experienced authority who knows better? It’s the fucking wild west in here.

Even McDonald’s–at some point–had someone decide on the taste of their Big Mac. Someone came up with the special sauce. And they’re proud enough of that sauce to protect it with copyright laws. Of course there’s no art in replicating that taste millions of times over, but the clown doesn’t ask his customers how to construct it from scratch every day.

There’s no quality control at your restaurant. I could go into Chipotle and get a completely shitty steak burrito and the asshat behind me could get a delicious culinary explosion in his mouth. That’s because my burrito is going to be built using my complete ignorance concerning what goes into an excellent steak burrito. And maybe the guy behind me is Rick Bayless.

Is there a class you’re supposed to take before ordering at Chipotle? Instruction on the culinary arts? A How To Cook Mexican Dishes or Steak Burrito 101? A tutorial on perfecting the delicate balance of flavors?

No. It’s trial and error. You just have to keep going and ordering and remembering what you ordered and assign it a score and bring your notes in each time and mix it up a little each time to perfect your personal recipe so by the time you get a decent burrito, you’ve already spent $800 on shitty burritos.

How are people in love with this place?

I know Chipotle is beloved and lauded for using only farm-fresh ingredients. But I don’t care about the freshness of the ingredients if they can’t f**king harmonize into a flavorful symphony of taste bud love. F**K your fresh.

If you’re ever in Chicago and don’t want your trip to be an entire waste of time dodging bullets and broken pension promises, then get your ass over to the Maple Tree Inn. Order something. Anything. I promise no one will come out of the kitchen to ask you how to make it. And I promise it will be delicious.

Soft shell crab from the Mapletree Inn at jeffandjillwentupthehill.com

The soft shell crab I recently had at the Maple Tree Inn. Delicious because I had nothing to do with preparing it.

6 Comments

  1. Your blog is hella controversial. And now I’d like to eat a burrito. Made to your exact specifications. I am fearless.

    • jeffandjill

      10/14/2015 at 12:49 pm

      They tell me it’s appalling how many fucks I don’t give. But I wouldn’t know. I don’t give a fuck what they say. They don’t call me the Bad Boy of Blogging for nothing. Or anything. They don’t call me anything. But do you think I care? I’ll take down anyone. Nothing’s sacred or safe on my site. That’s just how I roll. Don’t box me in. I’m a dangerous mind. PEACE.

  2. I’m a little frightened of you right now.

    • jeffandjill

      10/15/2015 at 12:19 pm

      I’m pretty much a rebel and I don’t care who I take on. Kinda dangerous to be around me. I just can’t live a buttoned-up life.

  3. We just got our first Chipotle in my city and there’s consistently a line out the door. Now I know why. I thought it was new franchise hype, but in actuality it’s just that no one knows what the fuck to put on their goddamn burrito.

    • jeffandjill

      10/15/2015 at 1:25 pm

      That’s exactly why. A bunch of indecisive people badgering overworked high school kids.

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