THIS POST IS GOING TO BE SO GOOD

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! Just wait til you see what this post has in store for you!

Now I don’t normally get this excited about things. I try to play it cool. It’s part of my brand. Icons don’t spazz. But I have been crafting this post for weeks to get it just right and all that sweat has paid off. It was tough. I won’t lie. I broke several coffee mugs, hurling them against the wall in artistic desperation crafting this, my magnum opus. The coffee splatters themselves were glorious.

I’m usually not good with details and fine-tuning. I can’t edit my own work. But I f**king nailed it this time. This time counts for everything.

The dance of words you’re about to experience. The rhythm of thought. The way it harmonizes. The crescendo as it builds and flows and massages the pathways in your mind, unlocking doors, stirring buried sentiment, prodding the muck to expose those primal truths we all know but refuse to acknowledge. I’m surfacing wisdom that is brilliantly simple in hindsight but impossibly elusive during the hunt. Here, on this page, it will be served up in vertigo-inducing clarity. And nothing will ever be the same again.

This is seismic.

It’s not the fluff I normally weave to pad this page. I mean, for sure there will be moments where you laugh to beat the band, but you will also walk away completely cured of racism. The racism you know you have, and the racism you didn’t know lived behind your eyes, the subversive, corrosive, lens of racism that filters the way you view others and engage with the world–those remnants from our fiercely tribal throwback world will be gone. These words will rewire your brain. We will be one tribe on the other side of this post.

You will look upon your children with infinite patience and understanding. You will clearly, and instinctively know the right way to parent. The one right way to nurture healthy human beings. Moms will join a universal cease-fire over parenting issues and dads will no longer be the bumbling idiots of diaper confusion we’re made out to be.

You must get ready for bonfires celebrating this new knowledge. Because the tomes that contain the old ways of thinking, the out-dated notions of what’s right, will become fuel for beach parties and campgrounds across the country, around the world. Gather round, children, and hear awful stories of how misdirected we once were. Laugh as the flames consume our embarrassment.

You’re going to share the ever-loving shit out of this post. It’s going to be slapped across feeds and TLs and even printed out and shoved under the doors and in the faces of Luddites who abhor technology. It will create a new standard for viral. Kimye will take notes.

I must confess, you might not be able to absorb it all in one reading. Even though the presentation will be clear and the wisdom irrefutable, you may need time to reflect. But that’s okay. Because after reading this, the world will embrace a 25-hour work week. Globally. And productivity will skyrocket even as work/life balances assume healthy levels.

Ironically, on the other side of enlightenment, you will have time to read this. Over and over again. And you will want to. And it will spark joy and peace every time you do. And the only words you will be able to offer in response will be whispered between hitching sobs of relief, “He’s right. Holy shit, he’s so right. This is pure truth.”

Trust me guys, you will be amazed.

 

 

14 Comments

  1. This is pure truth.

  2. Can’t speak…still crying.

  3. I am overwhelmed by the truth you have shown us. My life is utterly changed.

    • jeffandjill

      09/25/2015 at 5:01 pm

      I think there should be a badge people wear to demonstrate that they’ve read this post and are now enlightened.

      I’m turning the ringer on so I can hear when my phone gets the call from Oprah.

  4. I’m envisioning your glorious coffee splatters. I’m not even mad at you for wasting the coffee, they’re so beautiful.

    • jeffandjill

      09/29/2015 at 9:14 am

      In one splatter I saw my failings as a new dad. In another, clear as day, was the perfect silhouette of me as a 6 year-old standing at the end of a pier and looking out onto the lake with my father in a boat in the distance. The last splatter looked like the Hamburglar.

  5. Whoa – I feel like I have been living in the Dark Ages until reading this post propelled me suddenly into a glittering future! Yet, even with my newfound awareness, I can’t condone the book burning. We’re not Nazis or religious zealots….or are we? I must re-read your post to gain even more knowledge.

    • jeffandjill

      10/03/2015 at 6:10 am

      it might take a little time to adjust. But we have time here. We wear and eat time.

  6. I drank the Kool-aid; and it tastes like a PSL mixed with starlight.

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