OPEN LETTER TO THE MAN IN THE QUIET CAR WHO HAD TO BE TOLD HE’S IN THE QUIET CAR

Dear Man in the Quiet Car Who Had to be Told He’s in the Quiet Car,

First of all: shhhhhhhh. Do not read this out loud. You are in the quiet car. That’s how this works.

Metra reserved this quiet car so adults could commute. Adults who have mastered self-control. Adults who can honor the sacred social contract of the Quiet Car.

It was either create a quiet space for adults or institute a policy I drafted called Stab a Gabber in the Yapper (SAGITY). They chose the Quiet Car idea. Lucky you.

We all wanted you to know that we couldn’t help but overhear your mobile phone conversation. We couldn’t help it because apart from your word vomit, it is absolutely quiet here in the f**king Quiet Car.

Did you just think you were more popular than everyone else? That no one else had anyone to talk to? Didn’t it strike you as just a little bit odd that we were all sitting here in perfect agreed-upon silence? Perhaps you thought we were monks.

Yeah I get that the sign might have been hard to see. I’m a little annoyed myself. I want to yell at Metra and let them know what I think of their crappy signage. But in order to do that, I’m going to have to wait until I’m off the Quiet Car. Do you see how that works?

But okay, even if you didn’t know you were in the quiet car, are you really that comfortable with all these monks knowing such intimate details about your private dramas? In just 5 minutes I learned that you want “pepperoni or goddamned nothing”  on your pizza, you have a growth on your inner thigh that started bleeding out of nowhere a week ago, that bitch Jenna got knocked up again and will probably cry about it on Facebook until that baby goes to college, and your mom is not the issue.

I was holding out hope that you were actually going to order the pizza and share with us your credit card info. In fact-

What’s this? Why are you giving me a piece of paper?

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Writes Open Letters.

Dear Guy who Writes Open Letters.

Do guys really write open letters? Really? I don’t know because I’ve never written an open letter and none of my male friends have ever written open letters and the only open letters I’ve ever seen were written by women. Typically, they float around Facebook chastising strangers for bad behavior. Those letters are mostly designed to gain support for an opinion and not change the behavior of the target. So they’re pretty much fluff.

Are you a fluffer? Please I don’t want to know.

Writing an open letter seems like a passive aggressive thing to do. Are you one of those people who labels your passive-aggression as sarcasm to maybe feel better about your whining. Yeah, well played. That was sarcasm, asswipe. And there was nothing passive about that aggression.

But to respond to your open letter: If you must know, I’m multitasking. I’m trying to make the most of my time. I work hard all day and need to take advantage of every minute available to me. If I can tie up some loose ends during the train ride, I will. Sometimes it’s work, but yes, today it was all about my upcoming doctor’s appointment. I’m not embarrassed in the slightest about what you overheard. I’m a human with human issues. Oh well.

Apologies for being disruptive. As you pointed out, the signage is poor. I really wish you would have just tapped me on the shoulder and informed me of my error.

In closing, go fuck yourself.

Signed,

Man in the Quiet Car Who Had to be Told He’s in the Quiet Car,

Wait, when did you have time to write this? Did you have it at the ready? For an occasion just like this? Or did you write it while I was chastising you? Wow. You are a multitasker, aren’t you? Here, I got something for you:

An Open Letter to the Multitasking Man Who is Loudly Multitasking in the Quiet Car.

Dear Multitasking Man Who is Loudly Multitasking in the Quiet Car,

You’re doing a lot. But all you’re really accomplishing is pissing everyone off. Why don’t you cover yourself in gasoline and then maybe go to hell?

And men can write open letters, too. So while you’re on the phone with your doc maybe make an appointment to get your head removed from your asshole!!!

Signed,

Open Letter Guy

 

An Open Letter to the Open Letter Guy Who Has No Idea How to Argue,

Dear Open Letter Guy Who Has No Idea How to Argue,

You did nothing to refute my point about men writing open letters other than to write a whiny, rhetorical “can too!” That isn’t going to cut it. You’re pretty much an idiot.

Signed,

Magnificent MultiTasking MAN

 

An Open Letter to the Multiasshole Who is an Asshole

Dear  Multiasshole Who is an Asshole,

Shut up or get off the quiet car.

You are an asshole.

Signed,

Well Endowed Powerhouse of Might and Justice

 

An Open Letter–oh fuck this

Fuck you

Signed,

Your Daddy

 

Fuck you I ain’t got the time.

 

Whatever, then quit picking fights you can’t win.

 

It’s not that, it’s just this is my stop.

 

Bye bitch

 

Just stay off the phone or stay off the quiet car

 

Bye

 

You really are an asshole

 

Bye

 

*flips the bird*

 

Bye

 

 

8 Comments

  1. Dear Well Endowed Powerhouse of Might and Justice:

    Let’s grab a Pumpkin Spice Latte in the Electric Forest.

    signed,
    The Fluffer in the Quiet Car, Fluffing Quietly

    • jeffandjill

      09/17/2015 at 4:02 pm

      Dear Fluffing Fluffer,

      In the electric forest, there is a river that flows with drinkable PSL. Also it rains PSL all year in one part of the electric forest. And I’m never leaving.

      Signed,

      Asshat Man

  2. I need a SAGITY car

  3. Katie Jones

    09/17/2015 at 6:10 pm

    Alice down the rabbit hole.

    “We’re all mad here”.

    I really mean MAD! 😉

    • jeffandjill

      09/18/2015 at 9:45 am

      I wanted to go further. Because it wasn’t nearly bizarre enough. I wanted it to get bizarre.

  4. Who knocked up that bitch Jenna? Is she married, but didn’t want another kid? If the multitaskhole dislikes her so much he should unfriend her. Or he could give her that thumbs down or dislike button that’s supposed to be available on Facebook soon. Gossiping is unmanly and doesn’t count as multitasking in my book.

    Well Endowed Powerhouse of Might and Justice totally needs a cape.

    • jeffandjill

      09/18/2015 at 9:43 am

      Yeah, the multitasking man exhibits that strain of misogyny that convinces those it infects that women get “knocked up” all on their own and without any sort of participation from a man. Thereby, absolving all men of responsibility in the tough decisions that those women face. He’s an asshole that way.

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