This is my first sponsored post. I’m not actually getting paid to write this. So I might not have any idea what a sponsored post is. Here goes:
Soft close toilet seats are the shit.
They feel just the same as regular toilet seats. They won’t change the way you poop. They won’t help you make better eating choices. If you’re constipated, they will taunt you just as heartlessly as other, gravity-compliant toilet seats.
What they won’t do is slam the F**K down when you’re done violating them. You just give them a little tap and say “Settle the f**k down.” and down they go. Nice and slow. I’m not sure if saying anything is required but don’t box me in.
Granted, if you’re angry at the shit you just pinched out, you can’t slam the seat down in protest before sending the undigestible bits of your Panda Express orange chicken to their watery grave. Which can be frustrating. Sometimes you just want to vent and scream ‘WHY DID I EAT YOU, YOU DELICIOUS LIAR?!” and slam that seat until it’s in pieces and then go out and buy a new seat and bring it home and install it before you realize you bought a “soft-close” seat and then your life transforms.
This seat came into my life way too late. Because bathroom stuff is private stuff. Ya know? I don’t need a seat banging down, declaring “HEY EVERYBODY, JEFF JUST SHIT INTO THIS BOWL OF WATER RIGHT HERE! THAT’S RIGHT, HE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS AND UNDERWEAR AND PUSHED FECES OUT OF HIS BODY AND INTO THIS WATER. HE THINKS WITH JUST A PUSH OF THIS HANDLE THAT NO ONE WILL KNOW THE UNHOLY SHIT HE HAS SHITTED. AND WITHOUT ME, YOUR TRUTH SHOUTING TOILET SEAT, HE MAY HAVE ACTUALLY GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT. THAT SICKO. HE’S NOT EVEN SORRY.”
Ever get drunk and try to close a toilet seat cover? Of course you have. You have a problem. Ever get so drunk that it takes you 29 tries to actually close the toilet seat cover? Hold on now. You try and try because you don’t want to look at the shameful things you did in the toilet. Chunks of bad decisions. Sticky bubbles of past euphoria. You’re super drunk but not drunk enough to drown the shame. Because shame floats. And you don’t want to look at the shameful things, because looking at your shame is stimulating your gag reflex and you’re afraid that you might toss more shame in there. Not all the shame, of course. You can never unload all the shame. You keep trying to close the lid, but your equilibrium is jacked and you can’t find the balance that marks the tipping point between connecting with the lid and landing face-first into your shame. Has that ever happened to you? In all your years of drinking and toileting? Has it? So what. That has nothing to do with this post.
In a soft closing, (DID YOU EVEN SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!) I’d just like to say that soft close toilet seats are the best things since the iPhone. They’re better than the iPhone.
SO when are you sending me that check? No, I told you I would post this and then you pay me. Immediately. I don’t care, I just lied and said that soft close seats are better than the iPhone and basically trashed any credibility I had with this audience and I expect to be paid, asshole. What do you mean I never had any credibility! F**K YOU!
I also hate that you can’t slam down a smartphone when you want to hang up mad. They’re kinda like soft-close toilet seats that way.