SOFT CLOSE TOILET SEATS ARE THE SH!T.

This is my first sponsored post. I’m not actually getting paid to write this. So I might not have any idea what a sponsored post is. Here goes:

Soft close toilet seats are the shit.

They feel just the same as regular toilet seats. They won’t change the way you poop. They won’t help you make better eating choices. If you’re constipated, they will taunt you just as heartlessly as other, gravity-compliant toilet seats.

What they won’t do is slam the F**K down when you’re done violating them. You just give them a little tap and say “Settle the f**k down.” and down they go. Nice and slow. I’m not sure if saying anything is required but don’t box me in.

Granted, if you’re angry at the shit you just pinched out, you can’t slam the seat down in protest before sending the undigestible bits of your Panda Express orange chicken to their watery grave. Which can be frustrating. Sometimes you just want to vent and scream ‘WHY DID I EAT YOU, YOU DELICIOUS LIAR?!” and slam that seat until it’s in pieces and then go out and buy a new seat and bring it home and install it before you realize you bought a “soft-close” seat and then your life transforms.

This seat came into my life way too late. Because bathroom stuff is private stuff. Ya know? I don’t need a seat banging down, declaring “HEY EVERYBODY, JEFF JUST SHIT INTO THIS BOWL OF WATER RIGHT HERE! THAT’S RIGHT, HE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS AND UNDERWEAR AND PUSHED FECES OUT OF HIS BODY AND INTO THIS WATER. HE THINKS WITH JUST A PUSH OF THIS HANDLE THAT NO ONE WILL KNOW THE UNHOLY SHIT HE HAS SHITTED. AND WITHOUT ME, YOUR TRUTH SHOUTING TOILET SEAT, HE MAY HAVE ACTUALLY GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT. THAT SICKO. HE’S NOT EVEN SORRY.”

Ever get drunk and try to close a toilet seat cover? Of course you have. You have a problem. Ever get so drunk that it takes you 29 tries to actually close the toilet seat cover? Hold on now. You try and try because you don’t want to look at the shameful things you did in the toilet. Chunks of bad decisions. Sticky bubbles of past euphoria. You’re super drunk but not drunk enough to drown the shame. Because shame floats. And you don’t want to look at the shameful things, because looking at your shame is stimulating your gag reflex and you’re afraid that you might toss more shame in there. Not all the shame, of course. You can never unload all the shame. You keep trying to close the lid, but your equilibrium is jacked and you can’t find the balance that marks the tipping point between connecting with the lid and landing face-first into your shame. Has that ever happened to you? In all your years of drinking and toileting? Has it? So what. That has nothing to do with this post.

In a soft closing, (DID YOU EVEN SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!) I’d just like to say that soft close toilet seats are the best things since the iPhone. They’re better than the iPhone.

SO when are you sending me that check? No, I told you I would post this and then you pay me. Immediately. I don’t care, I just lied and said that soft close seats are better than the iPhone and basically trashed any credibility I had with this audience and I expect to be paid, asshole. What do you mean I never had any credibility! F**K YOU!

I also hate that you can’t slam down a smartphone when you want to hang up mad. They’re kinda like soft-close toilet seats that way.

[end scene]

16 Comments

  1. The soft close toilet seat is a wondrous thing, so quiet, so elegant as it drifts down to rest upon the porcelain. Now if only I could get the boys to start it on its journey after they’ve used the damn toilet!
    Oh and I miss being able to slam the phone down too.

  2. Yeah, it’s pretty tough to jab that “end call” icon hard enough with your finger to adequately vent your frustration.

    We may have to start inventing new things to angrily slam.

    • jeffandjill

      09/15/2015 at 2:17 pm

      Our kitchen cabinet doors also have attachments on the hinges that prevent them from banging shut. We’re being stifled!!

  3. Dammit, I read this post while eating lunch. Apparently I will never get it through my head that eating while reading a post by Jeff is a always a risky thing to do.

    That’s a ton of poop shame! Maybe you need to read “Everybody Poops” if you haven’t already, or re-read it if you have. Yeah, Panda Express Orange Chicken is a tough one, and I do understand the shame surrounding that. The first few bites are so good, but then you realize you’re eating what’s probably very low quality meat battered, deep fried and smothered in a sweet sauce. It starts to not taste so good on around the 4th bite, but you keep eating it anyway, and the cycle of shame begins. Or I should say it begins again, because you already knew this would happen before you walked through those doors. Try to stop the shame cycle before it reaches the toilet, though.

    Hey! Soft close toilet people: pay Jeff already! He sold his soul for you and he has an enormous sphere of influence among a select group of people in the blogging world.

    • jeffandjill

      09/15/2015 at 4:24 pm

      I was going to include a disclaimer/apology/trigger warning. But then I thought, “no. I won’t do that.” So I didn’t.

      I sold my soul for a Twinkie in the 80’s.

  4. Oh my God. I can’t even. I am dying laughing. You are the best and there’s nothing more to be said about it.

    • jeffandjill

      09/15/2015 at 4:23 pm

      That’s very generous of you to say. But you just red a post that included this line: “HE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS AND UNDERWEAR AND PUSHED FECES OUT OF HIS BODY.” Sooo I’ve kinda made the world worse.

  5. If you aren’t being sponsored with money, what are you being sponsored with? Maybe you could strike a deal with Metamucil?

    • jeffandjill

      09/15/2015 at 4:58 pm

      I would love to be sponsored by any of the following:
      Cemetery Dance Publishing
      Starbucks
      Badass Jewelry
      Guinness
      Uinta Brewing Company
      The City of New Orleans
      Jeep
      Moccamaster
      PlayStation

  6. “HE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS AND UNDERWEAR” So – since you’ve already given us waaaayyyy too much information, I guess it won’t hurt to ask: Do you actually take off your pants and underwear? Like all the way, buck naked from the waist down (except for your socks) when you do the deed? The reason I ask is because I also just wrote a post about bodily functions and I precisely state that I had my pants around my knees, just so there is no confusion. The English language is a powerful, but sometimes confounding thing, Jeff – you have to make sure we can visualize everything you are writing ?

    • jeffandjill

      09/18/2015 at 9:41 am

      My bathroom habits involve taking off my pants, underwear, shirt, and socks (but not shoes), and placing them all in a clear plastic resealable bag that I leave 8 feet away from the bathroom door. I perform this routine outside the bathroom. of course, and that requires an empty hallway. Sometimes I don’t use the bathroom for days because we have a small house and someone is always home with me. At work, well, I NEVER use the bathroom at work. The slamming toilet seat doesn’t know all of this so I couldn’t have gone through the lengthy explanation from the toilet seat’s point of view without creating more confusion and inconsistencies.

  7. I have a soft close toilet seat. All it’s ever inspired in me is suspense. But I still appreciate your worldview.

    • jeffandjill

      09/18/2015 at 3:42 pm

      Admittedly, they do take some getting used to. And you end up slamming all other gravity-compliant toilet seats. But I had nothing else to write about. Truth be told.

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