I never thought I’d see another stupefying essay contest to win some real estate. But here we are. And here we go.

Last time, the contest was to win a $950,000 B&B in Maine. This new one is your chance  to win a $375,000 goat farm in Alabama.  I don’t know if that price includes the goats. Or if that price is mostly goats. The winner might be getting a $10,000 shanty on 20 acres of dirt with $365k worth of goats who will just die before you can suckle their delicious milk. I really don’t know. I can’t be bothered to read the articles I link to.

Anyway, because I’m a dual threat–a celebrated writer who has won many imaginary accolades as well as America’s leading goat enthusiast–my essay is sure to win. This is good news for you. Because just like last time, I’m giving my essay away to whomsoever wants to submit it along with the $150 entry fee.

Get ready to copy and paste the following 200 words of goat-getting magic:

Dear Goat People,

I am one of you. Though I have never herded goats, I have heard them.

If you are reading this out loud, you should be building in intensity and volume as you progress to the climax. Sorry, I should have mentioned that first.

I will win your goat farm because I am an expert at farming goats. I know exactly where to plant the goat seeds, how to fertilize the earth with my patented combination of 13 lucky chemicals, and when to harvest at the peak of ripeness. The goats I farm almost always have legs.


I remember one time, when I was a mere child, my father chopped a snake up with an oar. Or maybe it was a paddle. I thought each piece would grow into a whole new snake so I swam for my life. And that’s how I became a French citizen.

Give me the goats.

I used to listen to a british death metal band called Venom. One of their albums featured a goat in a pentagram on the cover. That’s when people used to listen to music on cassettes and vinyl.

I know that goats will eat anything. So I plan on saving the global warming by feeding my goats all my garbage so I can tell my contemporaries that I run a zero-waste goat farm. I’ll make sure to toss an occasional whole apple into the pile so they get fruit.

Oh, and because you chose my essay to win the farm, you will get a free lifetime pass to my members-only website,

Anyway, I hope I can move in immediately. Mr. Roper found out that I’m not gay and now I have to relocate and Mr. Drummond isn’t returning my calls.

Yours in goathood,


Please note that I cleverly used contractions to come in under the 200-word count. I am a professional.

I hope you enjoy the goats and the farm and Alabama. I was in Birmingham once and thought it was gorgeous.

The contest ends October 1st, 2015.

Just let me know when you get all set up. I’d like to come by for a visit on my way to that B&B in Maine.



  1. I wish I had the 150 dollars to enter this competition, because I’d be sure to win with that awesome essay.
    When your essay wins (for whoever uses it) will you be giving the new owner your patented chemicals so their goat seeds will germinate properly?
    I sniggered and snorted my way through this post, you have a very warped mind Jeff! (That is a very big compliment by the way).

    • jeffandjill

      07/15/2015 at 9:32 am

      Thank you! Unfortunately, my lawyers said that I can’t give the new owners my patented goat-farming chemical cocktail. Due to the fact that it is extremely toxic and even if they are certified haz-mat handlers, they will die just from looking at it.

  2. I know you have a very complicated relationship with goats and can see why you wouldn’t want this farm for yourself. Still, this is very generous of you. You are such a giver.

    • jeffandjill

      07/15/2015 at 9:55 am

      I just always say the wrong thing around them. I don’t know why. And then it gets all awkward and I have to make up an excuse to leave. Then I KNOW they talk about me after I’m gone. So the next time I see them it’s just instantly tense and weird. It’s no fun for me or the goats. Stupid goats!

  3. They’re stupid AND scary. My blood pressure shot way up when I clicked on your post and was confronted with that giant goat head. I just hope that whoever wins this thing is careful to keep the goats from sneaking into confessionals. They can be sneaky motherfuckers and they are also very judgmental. It’s no wonder they make you tense and inarticulate.

  4. Yesterday the radio station I listen to on the way to work played a bunch of screaming goat edits of popular music during my commute and I almost drove off the road, I was laughing so hard.

    I’m taking this as a sign that I need to win the goat farm and start my own record label publishing nothing but cheesy goat-infused song parodies.

    I will probably end up asphyxiating on a mouthful of freshly made goat cheese as I cackle at my own musical genius, but what a way to go!

    • jeffandjill

      07/15/2015 at 1:18 pm

      All signs point to goat. Just to be sure I’d consult the magic 8-ball. Once you launch the label you can say “Not so fast, Swift,” to Taylor Swift. I just wanted to work that joke in there.

  5. If that essay isn’t a goat-winner, I don’t know what is.

    • jeffandjill

      07/15/2015 at 4:19 pm

      I’m determined to win something. Might as well be 85 goats for someone else.

  6. Brilliant, as usual. You should use it yourself. Could be your summer home.

    • jeffandjill

      07/17/2015 at 9:40 am

      I should! Then we can have a blogging conference there where we can study the bottoms of empty glasses.

  7. I think that deep down we’re all winners of goat farms. Which would be a beautiful thing if it didn’t smell so bad.

  8. Who better to own a bunch of cloven-hooved beasts than a former Venom fan? In my much younger, much cooler (arguably…you should see the pictures) days, I may have been known to cavort around in a Venom t-shirt. I’m picturing a retreat for aging metalheads, complete with snuggly pseudo-satanic beasts. Bring the kids! Get it? The swag bag could contain a bullet belt (with LOTS of extra links…let’s face it, it’s been 20 years) and a Welcome to Hell cassette. Just think of the anger issues that could be worked through! Unfortunately, I spent my youth banging my head, instead of in college, so I don’t have an extra $150 laying around. Dang. So funny.

    • jeffandjill

      07/27/2015 at 4:34 pm

      hahaha! Thanks. I had Venom’s Possessed on vinyl and I played it backwards and there was a backwards message. All I remember was something like “Follow me through the aisles and you will obey. And I will take you to the realm of eternity for I am eternal.” Or something like that. And I turned out fine-ish.

      Also, there was a study recently that said “angry” music (like old-school metal) was good for you. Teens who listened t oangry music grew up to be happy adults.

      *makes devil horns*
      Rock on.

  9. I can tell you are the man that can get someone’s goat. So, no doubt, I’m sure you could get them a goat farm.
    I was once accused of being an escaped goat before, but that in no way qualifies me to be in and around goats. So I will save my $150 this time around and invest it in business suit onesies.

    • jeffandjill

      08/06/2015 at 2:20 pm

      I need a business suit onesie. It will go with the tuxedo t-shirt I wear for formal occasions.

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