I never thought I’d see another stupefying essay contest to win some real estate. But here we are. And here we go.
Last time, the contest was to win a $950,000 B&B in Maine. This new one is your chance to win a $375,000 goat farm in Alabama. I don’t know if that price includes the goats. Or if that price is mostly goats. The winner might be getting a $10,000 shanty on 20 acres of dirt with $365k worth of goats who will just die before you can suckle their delicious milk. I really don’t know. I can’t be bothered to read the articles I link to.
Anyway, because I’m a dual threat–a celebrated writer who has won many imaginary accolades as well as America’s leading goat enthusiast–my essay is sure to win. This is good news for you. Because just like last time, I’m giving my essay away to whomsoever wants to submit it along with the $150 entry fee.
Get ready to copy and paste the following 200 words of goat-getting magic:
Dear Goat People,
I am one of you. Though I have never herded goats, I have heard them.
If you are reading this out loud, you should be building in intensity and volume as you progress to the climax. Sorry, I should have mentioned that first.
I will win your goat farm because I am an expert at farming goats. I know exactly where to plant the goat seeds, how to fertilize the earth with my patented combination of 13 lucky chemicals, and when to harvest at the peak of ripeness. The goats I farm almost always have legs.
I also speak goat. BAAAAAAA BAAAAAAAAAAA BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I remember one time, when I was a mere child, my father chopped a snake up with an oar. Or maybe it was a paddle. I thought each piece would grow into a whole new snake so I swam for my life. And that’s how I became a French citizen.
Give me the goats.
I used to listen to a british death metal band called Venom. One of their albums featured a goat in a pentagram on the cover. That’s when people used to listen to music on cassettes and vinyl.
I know that goats will eat anything. So I plan on saving the global warming by feeding my goats all my garbage so I can tell my contemporaries that I run a zero-waste goat farm. I’ll make sure to toss an occasional whole apple into the pile so they get fruit.
Oh, and because you chose my essay to win the farm, you will get a free lifetime pass to my members-only website, HotGoatWebcam.com.
Anyway, I hope I can move in immediately. Mr. Roper found out that I’m not gay and now I have to relocate and Mr. Drummond isn’t returning my calls.
Yours in goathood,
[YOU PUT YOUR NAME HERE]
Please note that I cleverly used contractions to come in under the 200-word count. I am a professional.
I hope you enjoy the goats and the farm and Alabama. I was in Birmingham once and thought it was gorgeous.
The contest ends October 1st, 2015.
Just let me know when you get all set up. I’d like to come by for a visit on my way to that B&B in Maine.