THE UNTOLD STORY OF NOAH AND THE FLOOD

It was an accident. You see, God was still perfecting languages at the time and he didn’t have a word for love yet. So when God told his personal assistant,”Hey Amanda, I want to get naked and flood the world with love. Pass me that jay” she had no idea what he was talking about.

So Amanda, being fresh out of college in an unpaid internship fucking freaked out. “What the fuck is ‘love!'” she screamed at herself in the mirror God just created that morning. “FUCK!”

And so, being too scared to go back to her new boss and admit that she had no idea what love was, she just went with context. Since flooding is something that water does, she assumed that love=water and she drowned all those bitches on Earth.

It was entirely coincidental that a batshit crazy man was building a boat on a mountain and collecting animals at the same time all of this was going on.

When God came out of his bedroom for some coffee, he saw what his assistant had done and was thusly bummed. “What the fuck did you do, Amanda?!”

“I flooded the Earth with love?”

“Medamnit! Shit!” after a nanosecond of contemplation, “I’ll just tell everyone it was part of my plan. Again. Take the day off.”

And so it wasn’t written.

8 Comments

  1. You know it probably did happen just like that.

    • jeffandjill

      07/10/2015 at 2:37 pm

      Also David didn’t slay Goliath with a stone–it was actually a rap battle.

  2. What is love?
    Baby, don’t drown me,
    Don’t drown me no more…

  3. So…Noah was just a random whack job then? Makes you wonder what he would have done with all those pairs of animals up on the mountain if Amanda hadn’t been too much of a chicken shit to clarify what God meant. Was she eventually fired?

    • jeffandjill

      07/13/2015 at 10:24 am

      Amanda went on to become Vice President of Communications at a small textbook company with a bad reputation for producing elementary school textbooks loaded with certain historical embellishments.

      Noah referred all inquiries about his menagerie to his lawyer.

  4. Okay, now how does this relate to Prince’s “When Doves Cry”? I feel like there has to be a connection.

    • jeffandjill

      07/15/2015 at 9:33 am

      There’s more of a connection to Purple Rain, because Noah wrote that song when he was a teenager.

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