Someone is giving away a bed and breakfast in Maine, worth $900,000, to the winner of a writing contest. And I’m offering you the winning entry.

I would enter the contest myself, but there’s a $125 entry fee that I really can’t afford. Also, I can’t maintain my tiny two bedroom/one bath cape cod home. So if I won that contest, everyone would lose.

Instead, I’ll just post the essay I would have written here and anyone who wants to pay the $125 to enter can use it.

Dear Crazy Person Who Gives Away Nearly $1M in Real Estate Based on a Writing Contest,

I would be the perfect person to win your Maine Bed & Breakfast because I have been running a bed and breakfast in my imagination for over 5 decades. Also, I am a strong believer in sleeping and then eating after you’re done sleeping. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told people “Are you done sleeping? QUICK, have some food.” I mean, I know exactly how many times I’ve said that, but I just can’t tell you.

I’m all about writing contests. You have to win a writing contest just to stay at my bed and breakfast. Here’s what I tell prospective guests: “You want to sleep and then eat something? Get to writing, stupid. Word your way to a stay.”

Every once in a while, Darth Vader will submit an essay and I’ll be like, “OH SHIT!” because his essays are so good. We’re talking Harvard-level essays. Here, I’ll copy and paste one here and you can judge for yourself:

Battlestar Galactica Seriously Pisses Me Off.
First of all, they have that Robot Dog. I don’t know what the fuck his name is. But do you know the engineering feat it would be to create a robot like that? The AI involved? Seriously, it would cost like a billion dollars. Would you pay a billion dollars for a fucking DOG? That pisses me off. Almost as much as it pisses me off that Buck Rogers shoved Mel Blanc into a little boy robot with a shitty haircut named Twiki.

And secondly, those Battlestar Galactica stormtroopers look like they were hit in the face by KITT from Knight Rider.

In summation, If Star Wars was the President of Science Fiction and Star Trek was the VP, then Battlestar Galactica would be a homeless piece of shit that no one would want to help out even in the rain and cold.

Sometimes Darth Vader will call me up and be like: “Hey, did you get my essay?” I’ll brush it off and try my best to play dumb: “Oh no, I didn’t see it! Darn it! And I’m all booked up! Sorry! Try again next month. Thank you.” Then I’ll wear garlic and put garlic all around the doorway as a precaution. But I promise that if I win your insane contest, then I will never let Vader, or any Sith Lord, stay at your B&B which will then be my B&B. I also have strong opinions about blueberry muffins from Dunkin’ Donuts, but I’ll save that for the telephone interview portion of this contest.

Thank you for reading this B&B-winning essay. I’ll be waiting for your call.

So, feel free to have a go with this essay. If it works, all I ask is that I can come up there whenever I want and stay in the Vader Suite.


  1. See, now I miss Twiki. We had such great cheesy sci fi shows back in the day. When I was in 5th grade I planned to marry Apollo (or Luke Duke. One or the other).

    So I guess I’m saying that Darth Vader is full of shit and I wouldn’t let him stay at my B&B even if he brought along Han Solo.

    • jeffandjill

      03/11/2015 at 12:05 pm

      Hahaha! Darth Vader thinks it’s all about him. And I’m like, HELLLOOOO, it’s your SON who’s the prophesied one–the one who brought balance to the Force. GAWD!

      And I always thought it was Twiggy. Until I wrote this post and did my extensive research which began and ended with Google search results.

  2. Clearly, you drink way too much coffee, but I love this blog. Sharing.

    • jeffandjill

      03/11/2015 at 2:46 pm

      Thanks, Lisa. If I made enough money on this blog to buy coffee, I’d be happy.

  3. So Darth is talking about the old Battlestar Galactica not the new one, right, because there was no Muffit in the new version. Damn, I know the revamp was better but I still loved that show. We were so desperate after Star Wars. I’m getting off track here. I need that B&B.

    • jeffandjill

      03/11/2015 at 2:48 pm

      MUFFIT! YES! I had the Muffit action figure and I loved the shit out of it. Yeah, Vader is a knob. I doubt Vader saw the reboot or Serenity or Firefly or even the Clone Wars animated series. I doubt he even has an official Twitter account.

  4. I don’t know anything about battle stars, galaticas, robot dogs or KITTs riding in the night–because I’m not a sci fi nerd like you are–but I do agree with you about Darth Vader’s writing. Who knew he was such a scholar?

    • jeffandjill

      03/12/2015 at 9:47 am

      Without a doubt, I am an entry-level nerd. I can name-drop, but I couldn’t hold my own in any serious discussion with regards to any fictional universe.

      I DO know that Vader is one entitled asshole.

  5. Nanu-Nanu

    That’s about the extent of my Sci-Fi knowledge. Well, I do know that Khan was pissed about something (the title gave that away) but other than that, and Spock having pointed ears and green blood I’m pretty much out there in the coldness of dark space not knowing anything worth knowing.

    • jeffandjill

      03/12/2015 at 10:13 am

      MORK! Khan would never shut up about that damn Corinthian Leather. Also, Spock had green blood? I never knew. But I loved his Bilbo Baggins song.

  6. Oh my god I nearly choked on my lunch reading this. So funny.

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