The 5 THINGS I am going to MISS about WINTER

It’s that time if the year when I am completely done with that time of year. I wrote this post on the absolute coldest February 28th in history. As I ate deep fried groundhog.

But PLOT TWIST [cue the record-scratch sound effect–even though no one listens to music on vinyl anymore], instead of bitching about it, I thought I’d be chock full of shit and focus on the positives.

So here are some of the things I’ll miss when spring (and my will to live) return:

Those holes are there for very cheap, lazy, neglectful reasons.

Those holes are there for very cheap, lazy, neglectful reasons.

1. These Gloves. I don’t want to touch what you just touched. I just don’t. I shouldn’t have to. This is America. But I don’t want to appear crazy. And that’s true limit of  American liberty, isn’t it: the freedom to be as bat-shit crazy as you want while trying to appear sane. Which is why I wait until the first time the air in Chicago slaps the happy out of me to slide these puppies on, whispering things to them. Hygienic things. I don’t care if it’s a little early in the season and they make my hands sweat. At least it’s my sweat. I’m wearing these smartphone incompatible hand quilts so I don’t have to touch your sweat, your mucus, your DNA, your dead skin cells, your saliva–your YOU.

I’ve been wearing them for about 4 years. So these gloves have so much of your DNA on them that if God ever answers my texts and decides to wipe out humanity, then I’ll have enough genetic material to clone a new civilization and start this shitstorm all over again.

 

WHy yes, that is a paperclip I'm using to zip the zipper like an asshole.Now accepting donations.

WHy yes, that is a paperclip I’m using to zip the zipper like an asshole.Now accepting donations.

2. My balaclava. This is my safe place. I make faces at you under this. You really don’t want to know what goes on. Stuff is happening with facial muscles as I pass you on the street. Twitches. A dance of cheeks. Some tongue action. My lips are speaking things you will never hear. You should never hear. My face is the wizard behind the curtain and you don’t want to see the wizard. Do not look directly at the wizard.

3. Being late. I already knew that Superman was more powerful than a locomotive. But you know what else is more powerful than a locomotive? Snowflakes. When a snowflake touches a Metra train, that train catches a severe case of FUCK-MY-PASSENGERS! and then it simply CAN’T EVEN. I’m forced to wait while it works through its “late arrival of equipment” or “freight train interference” or “mechanical failures.” Every one of those phrases are code for “Now is not the time, Jeff. Really. Not the time.” The more important it is that I get to work, the longer the delay. “You know, it isn’t always about you, Jeff! It’s not always about what you need!”

In those moments, I’m weak. I’m not as understanding as I should be. Sometimes I yell back. “YOU’RE JUST A FUCKING TRAIN AND YOU DON’T HAVE ANY EMOTIONS AND YOU CAN’T EVEN FUCKING TALK! WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?” And that makes everyone in the quiet car uncomfortable.

But for all the stress it causes, being late gives me more me time to write happy posts like this one.

4. Not getting straight-up murdered. I work in Chicago and we’re known for pizza, loser sport teams, and murder. Two of those things may be correlated. But a magical thing happens when the weather turns bitterly cold–people get a lot less murdery. The police brass will tell you that the homicide rate drops because of better policing, but we all know that “fuck, it’s cold outside” is a universal mood killer even for those who are in the mood to kill.

Killer 1: “Let’s go kill some assholes.”

Killer 2: “OK!”

K1 [opening door]: “Fuck, it’s cold outside.”

K2: “Fuck, you’re right!”

K1: “Shit, let’s just go kill people later.”

K2: “OK. Hey, the cold might even kill them assholes anyway.”

K!: “Haha! Hells yeah it will!”

K2: “GODDAMNIT! Cutler threw another goddamn interception! You see that shit?!”

K1: “SONOFABITCH! Let’s go kill some assholes!”

 

5. Staying indoors. When the weather’s nice and I’ve spent all day inside, I feel like an asshole. But when the wind can turn my blood into Plasma Slurpee, I can just shrug and say: “Oh well. Can’t go out and accomplish shit today! Weather’s bad. Man, can you just imagine all the shit I would have done if that damn weather was better? Oh the shit I would have done! But I didn’t have that option. I had to stay inside and hang out because bad weather and shit. Oh well, back to my peace and serenity.” Then I wave at Monotone Joe shoveling.

Because outside is where the people are. And sometimes people like to talk to me. With the expectation that I will talk back. I have to wear clothes around people. I have to observe their customs. I have to look at them. I have to do stuff. I hate that.

I’m really going to miss staying indoors the most. Unfortunately, while staying indoors negates the need for the gloves or the balaclava, it also makes me want to get murdered.

I’m sure I can go on and on listing even more amazing things  about this grim, life-sucking time of year when the snow is all sludge and life-sucking and everything is just a miserable hell hole of sucky shit misery. But I don’t have the right prescriptions.

I’ll try to remember all of these things in a few months as I sparkle in the sunlight.

16 Comments

  1. Way to focus on the positive, Jeff!

  2. I hate the bloody cold and winter snow shit storms and all the cold and the wind and the mother effing cold. Did I say that I hate the got damn cold? Yea, I do.

    But, you obviously hate it more than me as you blogged about it and I just bitch about it.

    Stay strong, Jeff. Next year, we gonna b-b-q that damn rodent and then we are going to Vegas! Because the only reason you need a balaclava in Vegas is to rob a casino and we all know that is a bad idea. And we aren’t about bad ideas. We are all about getting the fuck out of the cold.

    So, yea.

    • jeffandjill

      03/06/2015 at 6:01 pm

      Sounds like a plan to me. Seriously. If anyone put groundhog on the menu, it would maybe boatloads of money after Feb 2!!

  3. As I was I was reading your Ode to Shitass Cold I could identify with almost everything. Except for one minor difference. I live near Seattle, and work there. While it might take 2 or 4 or 8 feet of snow for you East-y people, it only takes 2 inches for this area to come to a complete halt. I will say, in fairness, we have, like, two snow plows and 4 bags of salt and hills steeper than the Alps. But you see 2 snowflakes that stick together and it’s a snow day!

    • jeffandjill

      03/06/2015 at 5:58 pm

      But don’t you have a lot of gloomy/overcast days? I think that’s harder in a lot of ways.

  4. If it was as bad as everyone thinks it is, then yes! Buuuut, no, snow and commuting sucks ass. I think it’s actually illegal to post a sunny picture in the PNW, solely to perpetuate the 365 days a year gloom. (It’s only 292 days).

    • jeffandjill

      03/07/2015 at 8:15 am

      So is it a tactic to keep all the tourists out? In Chicago, we keep people out by telling them that they will be shot. But in reality, the ones who still insist on coming here get shot.

      • It’s a nice secret. There’s truth to the gloomy, grey winters, but I found it wasn’t nearly so bad as the reputation. I moved here from the Bay Area 20 years ago expecting the weather to be awful. It’s actually not. Its a stunning place to LIVE in. By that I mean everyday I see Mt Rainier, the Puget Sound, the Olympic Mountains on my ferry commute. I don’t need to travel to the pretty, I’m in it. Throw in an orca once in a blue moon and I count myself lucky. But, er, gangland style shootings are nice too! (Actually like Chicago a lot.)

        • jeffandjill

          03/07/2015 at 12:26 pm

          Hahahaha! Yeah, there’s a lot to like about Chicago. There really is. We have some great entertainment/culture/DINING and the people are very nice compared to other big cities I guess. But natural beauty? HELL no. We have the lake, but beaches are littered with corpses. And Illinois is flat. You need to drive nearly 2 hours south to get to any scenic/natural beauty.

  5. I was in Chicago once, in summer, and I was cold. Chicago cold is no joke. I will however say that NY is no joke when it comes to murder in all kinds of weather. Yay?

    • jeffandjill

      03/07/2015 at 1:01 pm

      It goes from cold to bitterly cold to blazing hot. I hate those weeks when I start with the furnace and end with the AC. Those suck.

      It seems that NYC killers are more ambitious.

  6. I just… with the balaclava. No matter how many times I brushed my teeth that day, no matter how good of a job I did, the balaclava brings out the stinkiest ass fumes from my mouth and injects them straight up my nose. ALWAYS.

    • jeffandjill

      03/09/2015 at 9:47 am

      It’s the goddamn worst! I’m like, did someone just wipe their ASS with this?? Is someone going into my backpack and wiping their ass with my balaclava?? But then I get to hide from people so it’s an overall win.

  7. Outside is where the people are. I hear you! I may need to buy myself a balaclava as well. Brilliant.

    • jeffandjill

      03/09/2015 at 1:49 pm

      Today was my first commute without it and I just felt so exposed. I had to remember not to make faces and mutter like I have to every slow-moving jackwagon all winter long. It made the commute a lot less tolerable.

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