According to a recent study: the smaller your balls, the more likely it is that you’ll be a good dad. And now fatherhood is destroyed.
If you clicked the link, you went to Cracked.com which is my favorite site ever. If you didn’t, good for you—never trust my links. The article basically says that men with huge hangers produce more testosterone and, therefore, are mostly concerned with impregnating as many women as possible. Taking care of mewling dependents cuts into that conquest/sexytime a bit. So they don’t bother.
And men with small sacks just count themselves lucky that:
- they found a woman willing to overlook their itty-bitty berries and
- their tiny testes actually produce functioning baby juice.
So they’re not going to press their luck and brave rejection. They’re just fine taking care of the product of their precious sperm. BECAUSE THEY MAY NEVER GET THE CHANCE AGAIN!
This leaves us (me) with a quandary. I’ve always strived to be the best dad I can possibly be. Taking care of my kids is my top priority. I’m not perfect. There are times when I fail. But I want my kids to grow up knowing that their dad is there for them and always has been. Turns out though, I’m just screaming to the world “LOOK AT MY LITTLE BALLS!”
[Jill, nodding. A lot. Too much. Goddamnit, quit nodding, Jill!]
Sometimes too much knowledge is a horrible thing and the blowback from this study could bring about the end of modern day fathering. When I say “modern day fathering” I mean fathering like you give a fuck. Or actually, more than a fuck. You know what I mean.
Because of this study:
- Image will trump substance. Men with small balls will not only be buying over-sized pick-up trucks and trying to bench-press aforementioned pick-up trucks to compensate, they will also feel compelled to ignore the shit out of their children. “Look at me, ignoring my kids. Who has small balls now? Maybe YOU have small balls?!” The ONLY positive side-effect of having tiny slappers (being a decent dad) has now been marginalized.
- Compliments will get complicated. When things heat up and clothes come off, dirty talk may possibly include the phrase “OH MY, I bet you’re a real BAD DADDY!” Which, okay, on it’s surface might seem hot as hell, but—BUT—do we really want to establish bad fathering as something to rise to? Probably not.
- Jagoffs will win. Really shitty dads everywhere will be emboldened. They’ll turn their shitty parenting into a testament to their natural endowments. And they’ll openly brag: “Hey baby, I have big feet and a total disregard for my children. If you know what I mean . . .” [WINK]
Add to this the fact that the article I linked to also points out that if he’s fat, he may last longer in bed, and we’re setting ourselves up for a future filled with fat jagoff men.
Way to go, science!
And none of this tells us which size of manhood is preferable when wearing the Meat Saq.
This all leaves me feeling a little empty.
The next Father’s Day could get a little awkward. If the kids give me a card that reads “You’re a great dad!” I might respond with:
“HOW DARE YOU! I HAVE HUGE BALLS!”
[Jill stops nodding]