WRECKING BALLS

According to a recent study: the smaller your balls, the more likely it is that you’ll be a good dad. And now fatherhood is destroyed.

If you clicked the link, you went to Cracked.com which is my favorite site ever. If you didn’t, good for you—never trust my links. The article basically says that men with huge hangers produce more testosterone and, therefore, are mostly concerned with impregnating as many women as possible. Taking care of mewling dependents cuts into that conquest/sexytime a bit. So they don’t bother.

And men with small sacks just count themselves lucky that:

  1. they found a woman willing to overlook their itty-bitty berries and
  2. their tiny testes actually produce functioning baby juice.

So they’re not going to press their luck and brave rejection. They’re just fine taking care of the product of their precious sperm. BECAUSE THEY MAY NEVER GET THE CHANCE AGAIN!

This leaves us (me) with a quandary. I’ve always strived to be the best dad I can possibly be. Taking care of my kids is my top priority. I’m not perfect. There are times when I fail. But I want my kids to grow up knowing that their dad is there for them and always has been. Turns out though, I’m just screaming to the world “LOOK AT MY LITTLE BALLS!”

[Jill, nodding. A lot. Too much. Goddamnit, quit nodding, Jill!]

Sometimes too much knowledge is a horrible thing and the blowback from this study could bring about the end of modern day fathering. When I say “modern day fathering” I mean fathering like you give a fuck. Or actually, more than a fuck. You know what I mean.

Because of this study: 

  1. Image will trump substance. Men with small balls will not only be buying over-sized pick-up trucks and trying to bench-press aforementioned pick-up trucks to compensate, they will also feel compelled to ignore the shit out of their children. “Look at me, ignoring my kids. Who has small balls now? Maybe YOU have small balls?!” The ONLY positive side-effect of having tiny slappers (being a decent dad) has now been marginalized.
  2. Compliments will get complicated. When things heat up and clothes come off, dirty talk may possibly include the phrase “OH MY, I bet you’re a real BAD DADDY!” Which, okay,  on it’s surface might seem hot as hell, but—BUT—do we really want to establish bad fathering as something to rise to? Probably not.
  3. Jagoffs will win. Really shitty dads everywhere will be emboldened. They’ll turn their shitty parenting into a testament to their natural endowments. And they’ll openly brag: “Hey baby, I have big feet and a total disregard for my children. If you know what I mean . . .” [WINK]

Add to this the fact that the article I linked to also points out that if he’s fat, he may last longer in bed, and we’re setting ourselves up for a future filled with fat jagoff men.

Way to go, science!

And none of this tells us which size of manhood is preferable when wearing the Meat Saq.

This all leaves me feeling a little empty.

The next Father’s Day could get a little awkward. If the kids give me a card that reads “You’re a great dad!” I might respond with:

“HOW DARE YOU! I HAVE HUGE BALLS!”

[Jill stops nodding]

 

16 Comments

  1. Sounds like a real quandary. I’m guessing however, that men who are good dads also favor PSLs.

    • jeffandjill

      01/18/2015 at 11:00 am

      When I first read your comment I wanted to respond “Aww, thanks!” Because I thought you were saying that I’m a good dad. But then when I thought about it for a second, I thought “HANG ON A SECOND! She’s saying that if you drink PSL’s, you must have small balls!” Because good dad = small balls. You see how convoluted this is? So there are no winners. And as I’ve written before, PSL could easily stand for Penis Shortening Liquid. So it’s all bad for me. My only choice is to embrace my emasculated life.

  2. I foresee a huge upswing (see what I did there?) in the sale of truck ballz for the aforementioned over-sized pick up trucks as well.

    • jeffandjill

      01/18/2015 at 10:56 am

      HAHA! Those things are awesome. We’ll have to make J+J branded hitch hangers so everyone can have big balls.

  3. I just googled plastic surgery for testicles, because I really couldn’t believe anyone would care about ball size (unless they’re massive–that could be problematic). Imagine my surprise when I saw all of the different procedures that are available. Who knew?! I also learned George Clooney gets his scrotum ironed–apparently young and unwrinkled balls are all the rage in Hollywood.

    So I see an increase in ball enlargement surgery and underwear stuffing.

    • jeffandjill

      01/18/2015 at 2:51 pm

      Scrotum ironed. The only way that is happening to me is if you’re trying to get information out of me and I will give you whatever info you want long before the words “We’ll iron your scrotum” ever find air. So no thanks. And I am not surprised that men are getting their balls enlarged. Because people suck.

      In my ruder days, I once asked a female friend of mine what she looked for in a boyfriend.You know, when she’s checking out the “features.” I wanted to know in particular what she thought of the guy’s seed sack. I equated the appraisal to car shopping. “Do you care about his balls? Are his balls like the trunk of a car? Not a selling point, but something to factor in? ” She never answered me.

      I just couldn’t imagine that a girl would care about them. And I’m sure guys are the only ones who do.

      • Agreed. I don’t think most women give a rat’s ass about ball size. In fact, the scrotum is probably the least attractive part of the male body, ironed or not, so we tend to ignore it. Maybe that’s why your friend never answered your question about the seed sack. I’d say that if a woman wants to have children with the man she’s appraising, she would equate the seed sack with the engine, i.e. it needs to operate really well (and actually doesn’t need to be seen).

        They should do a companion study with women. Test their brains (or whichever part of the anatomy) by showing them pictures of different sized dangling berries to see which size is most arousing. It would make sense that their biological imperative would make them more attracted the smaller sacks. Right? And then some insecure/vain men would run out and get scrotum lifts.

        • jeffandjill

          01/19/2015 at 9:52 am

          Yeah, when it comes to our bodies, there is no winning. We all have to age and eat. Nothing is perfect and when it is, it never stays that way. We all need to let go of this shit.

          BUT, I think they have done studies of what women want in male physicality. One thing I read once said that women want to get their freak on with the caveman and his testosterone-sculpted cheekbones and jawline but then they want to settle down with the soft oval-faced man because he has less test and therefore more stable/controllable/nurturing.

          Faced with those options–I cannot win.

  4. Will give me a whole new perspective for the summer beach season, thank you for that.

    • jeffandjill

      01/20/2015 at 8:35 am

      I guess it could help single women who are “daddy shopping.” If that’s even a thing. It probably shouldn’t be a thing if it is. That’s awful.

  5. But then Daddy shopping will be like shopping for produce at the grocery store. Lots of squeezing (without the sniffing hopefully). I guess prospective Dads won’t mind.

    • jeffandjill

      01/20/2015 at 9:33 am

      But . . . BUT, the men that are selected to be good dads will be the ones with little fruit. So they’ll feel rejected and accepted at the same time and then civilization ends. OR, they’ll pick the guys with the big boppers to father the kids and the ones with little bits to raise them. This is getting really depressing.

  6. I wonder how this new info affect women with daddy issues…

    • jeffandjill

      01/20/2015 at 4:30 pm

      Oh no. There are so many possible responses to this that are just wrong. Wrong even for me. The guy who wrote a post where I imagine screaming at my children “I HAVE HUGE BALLS!” So, pretty wrong.

  7. Laughed so hard! As per usual. (“How dare you? I have huge balls!” Ahahahaaa!
    However, WHO THE HELL SPENT MONEY ON A STUDY ABOUT NUT SIZE? And why are people listening to them? I’m envisioning a bunch of flashers in lab coats.

    • jeffandjill

      01/28/2015 at 9:24 am

      “WHO THE HELL SPENT MONEY ON A STUDY ABOUT NUT SIZE?” Men. That’s who. It’s amazing how many studies my brothers have funded about their junk. Meanwhile, the female anatomy is just written off as mysterious witchcraft.

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