Shopping trip

For those of you who saw me walk into that little shop on Jackson and buy that marijuana pipe, let me clear things up right now: I only bought it because I knew you were watching. Okay? It was a joke.

I felt the entire world watching me walk in that shop. So I’m sure some of you were among those who saw me. With your eyes. And those eyes crawled all over me as I browsed the assorted marijuana pipes. But I have nothing to hide. Like I said, I knew you were watching my every move.

Anyway, they had all these different options. There was a bongo player and it looked like the bongo was where you put the weed. There was this glass elephant and it looked like you smoked up through the trunk, I’m guessing. There were all these rockabilly skulls and zombies and—



Did you hear that?


Shut the fuck up, I heard something!!

. . .

Think it’s the cops? Oh man, you think they followed me? From the shop? On Jackson?





They would’ve kicked the door in by now.

Hold on, I’m going to go check out the window.

All right, it was just someone putting their garbage out. I forgot it was Tuesday. SHIT! I got to put my garbage out! All right, I’ll do that right after this.


Oh yeah, so I bought one because I knew I’d never have an experience like that again. I bought it just to say I bought it. I bought it because you only get to go around this cosmic ball of dust once.

Check it out. It was made in goddamned Peru, of all places.

he's got a spear! to defend the weed!

he’s got a spear! to defend the weed!

That spear handle keeps falling off. But did you see his eyes??

He's sooooooo baked!

He’s sooooooo baked! Like a baked Jar-Jar Binks! OH MAN, IT’S JAR-JAR!

Do you think that’s hell for him? Being baked all the time? Having to partake all the time? Never being fake all the time? I mean every time someone puffs on this pipe, he gets a taste. And he has no choice in the matter. He’s trapped in a tunnel of intoxication. Damn.

If you look at it that way, then I saved him. He’s empty and he’s going to stay that way. No flickering flame will be approaching his crotch any time soon. Which begs the question: is his crotch where you stuff the weed? Look again:



Have fun smoking your dickweed!

I haven’t decided what to do with it yet. I might gift it to someone as a joke. Like my mom. Someone who would never actually use it. Someone who would look at it like “What is this? Is this what I think it is? Really?” Their faces would be all like scrunched up and confused. That would be great.

I might leave it out to horrify guests when they see it on the coffee table or something even though we don’t have a coffee table. And then act like I have no idea how it got there. Then I’d accuse them of bringing it in to my house, around my children. Well, that might be a little too far, but you get it.

Holy shit, have you ever seen Anchorman 2? Holy shit! That is some funny shit! It’s on right now. On Netflix. We don’t have cable. Most of the time Netflix has shit for movies, but Anchorman 2 is HILARIOUS!

Oh man. That part where Will Ferrel’s at dinner with the black family! What an asshole! HAHAHAHAHHA!

Oh man, I don’t know why I just thought of this because it’s as far from funny as you can get in a movie, but have you seen The Babadook??? If you ever want to have a mindfuck watch The Babadook. I won’t spoil it, but watch it. It’s a mindfuck. So bleak.

It’s not on Netflix, though. We rented it on Amazon Instant Prime. Through the PS3.

Dead Space is an awesome game.

Oh yeah, we also have Chromecast. I’m going to put on some Pandora, some blues, some metal.

Chromecast is the best.

It’s so cold outside. I’m glad I’m warm. It’s the simple things.

Just live simply. Why do people have to make everything so complicated?

I’m in a warm house on a cold night with my family. What else is there? What else is so damn important?

Just be. And just be good. Be good to everyone. If everyone was good to everyone, then anyone could be anyone they want to be.

Be good. Laugh. Enjoy.

My hands are so fucking cold.



  1. I know some peeps in Colorado that would love that pipe, however, “unused” is not a term that would ever be used to reference that pipe again.

    • jeffandjill

      01/07/2015 at 9:10 am

      That would be damnation for Jar-Jar. Or heaven. I really don’t know where he stands on being stoned all the time.

  2. That is amazeballs! Wait, did I just type that? HA!
    Sending over some pink “baked” princess goldfish for when the munchies kick it. 😉

  3. “in”. Kick in. I swear I’m not baked.

    • jeffandjill

      01/08/2015 at 10:59 am

      I thought you meant “kick it” as a nod to the Beastie Boys who fought for everyone’s right to party. Those brave pioneers. On the front lines. Of partying. Baked Princesses would be an AWESOME band name. Where’s Courtney Love?

  4. Darn It!. I really didn’t think you noticed me watching you in that shop on Jackson. Oh well. I wonder if you could blow bubbles with the pipe if you put some soapy fluid in the bowl and blew through the handle.

    • jeffandjill

      01/12/2015 at 1:39 pm

      I noticed! And that just might be a perfect use for the pipe. I tried using it as a straw. But the frozen margarita never made it through.

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