At the petting zoo.

Oh there are so many wonderful things to see at the petting zoo. So many glorious animals to pet and cute animals to zoo!

We keep all of our most adorable animals at the petting zoo!

“But they’re all goats.”

Be gentle. Don’t rush them. See how they approach you with imploring eyes? They are not like the tigers and bears and sexy slithery snakes. No, the animals in the petting zoo just want to be petted!

Or you can grab a brush and brush them. Go with the fur.

“Like this?”

Yes. Obviously. You’re going with the fur. Just like I said. What’s confusing about it? You’re doing exactly as I asked as you’re well aware. Are you stupid or just looking for praise?

Over at the far end you might have noticed the feed dispensers. For just a quarter, you can get a handful of feed and give a handful of love to all the different animals at the petting zoo.

“They’re all goats.”

Look at their fine legs.

Mind the mess! Remember, you’re a guest in their house. Sometimes you’ll come across a pile of doo-doo that we haven’t cleared away yet. That’s just part of the authentic petting zoo experience! You see how their doo-doo is different than our doo-doo? Their doo-doo is like a bunch of pellets that go everywhere! You never feel fully clean.

This little guy’s name is Billy. He was born here just 6 months ago.

“He looks sick.”

His mom is right over there. Her name is Willa! Say hi to Willa! Touch Willa.

“Does he have a dad? Why is he coughing?”

Our human friends here at the petting zoo helped deliver Billy. They’re all trained veterinarians with zoology degrees. Except for Linda. Working with animals is a great career! Animals can’t talk!

Oh look! A squirrel came by for a visit! Mr. Squirrel doesn’t live here, but he sure does like to see his petting zoo friends.

“Can I pet the squirrel?

No.

“Can I ride the goat?”

No.

“Can I touch the goat like this?”

NO YOU LITTLE ASSWIPE THAT’S A PAT! THIS IS NOT A PATTING ZOO! GET TO PETTING OR I WILL TOSS YOUR UNCOOPERATIVE ASS INTO BABOON CANYON!

Don’t forget  to use the antibacterial soap to clean your hands on your way out. Clean off the filth. Under your fingernails. We want you to enjoy the rest of your day at the zoo!

 

 

12 Comments

  1. Awesome. I had a similar experience. A goat licked my hand “clean” of those disgusting food pellets. I had to amputate.

    • jeffandjill

      11/26/2014 at 10:25 am

      Obviously. Otherwise you’d turn into a weregoat. With Satan eyes. Seriously. What is it with their SATAN EYES? They see every wrong I’ve ever done and it feeds them somehow. They eat and grow strong from the stains on my soul. Then they convince me that those stains are who I truly am. The same as my DNA. And no matter how much I try, I can never escape my dark impulses. I’m only hurting myself by resisting. If I stare too long into their eyes I black out and wake up in a youth hostel covered in glitter.

  2. So you all had a great time, then?

    Perhaps your neighbor should bring his leaf blower and help with the goat poop clean up. I went to a petting zoo when I was a kid, and there was a goat there, and he attacked my sister because he wanted to eat the velvet bow on the collar of her dress. He was successful and the grown-ups laughed, but it was hella scary for us little ones.

    Goats are scary and they do have satanic eyes. You need to stay away from them. I know you were a bad alter boy and a bad Catholic in general, but maybe you should go to confession and say some hail marys or something instead of feeding those goats with your soul stains. Clean up the stains instead. Plus, the only way to truly clean up glitter is with a glitter blower, which is 3 times louder than a leaf blower and not as fast.

    • jeffandjill

      11/26/2014 at 1:53 pm

      That seems like a really shitty thing for those adults to do. Linda was probably one of them.

      The last time I went to confession, I poured out my sins. My dripping, soiled soul-bag of misdeeds. I told the priest every last transgression, every impure thought, every flicker of anger, every ember of lust. I told the priest things that I previously couldn’t even admit to myself. And at the end, he threw back that little window, revealing not a priest but a petting zoo goat. “Your sins taste like Oreos” was all he said to me before closing the window.

      • Are you saying that the priest turned into a talking goat?! That was a really shitty thing for the priest/goat to do as well. And he just told you how your sins smelled (yummy, at least) without absolving you or giving you that Catholic homework like they usually do? At least he slid that window shut quickly. Do you think Linda could have been hiding in the shadows, orchestrating the whole thing?

        I hope you stay away from goats, train King Motherfucker well and have a great Thanksgiving.

        • jeffandjill

          11/29/2014 at 8:32 am

          I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!! I successfully avoided goats.But I haven’t been able to silence them.

    • jeffandjill

      11/30/2014 at 10:28 am

      HAHA! Those Beach Boys were doomed from the moment they took this photo! Why do you think the Cubs haven’t won–the goat curse is very real! Goats are there causing every human calamity! Goats.

  3. They really are ALL GOATS! I never thought about it before, but you are right.

    • jeffandjill

      02/18/2016 at 4:38 pm

      Sometimes they’ll toss a duck in there to keep people guessing. Of course the duck might have just wandered into the goat party uninvited. So who knows. Just don’t try to drink goat milk from the tap.

  4. When I was in college, I worked summers at a place called Grants Farm in St. Louis. There was a goat feeding area and there were many retirees earning extra income by working Grants Farm with me. One of the assignments was the goat house, and the old men HATED it.

    The little goats would fairly frequently escape and make a break for it and the chase would be on…a baby goat being chased by a 76 year old retiree. Pretty classic stuff.

    • jeffandjill

      02/18/2016 at 4:40 pm

      I’d rather watch that than anything on E! or TLC. I’d rather watch that than read this blog.

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