THE BACON POST

This post is a treat from Past Jeff. I was looking through old files and found something Past Jeff wrote just for me. Oh Past Jeff, what zany thoughts do you have for us today??

I don’t want to say that I’ve had too much bacon. But I had too much bacon—if you even believe that there’s any such thing as too much bacon.

Bacon is hot right now. Hot and spitting on your unprotected forearms. Everyone wants it. I know vegamatarians who “cheat” occasionally with bacon. There are bacon martinis. And bacon flavored sex lubricant.

I love bacon. If you let bacon grease cool and congeal and spread it on a cake like frosting and stick candles in the cake and put it before me in a dark room and sing happy birthday to me, I’d make a wish and blow out the candles and the wish would come true because then I would eat my wish. The bacon frosting would be my wish. It’s always my wish. My only wish.

I considered getting a bacon grill.

I like bacon so goddamned much.

All of you other bitches are just bandwagon jumpers. You’re like the bacon rainbow after the flavor storm.


You tell ’em, Past Jeff! Thanks for checking in!

12 Comments

  1. Please ask Past Jeff when this was written. ‘Cause I totally agree with him that it is very fashionable these days to talk about how much you love bacon. It’s impressive that he was a bacon fanatic before it was so hip, but I am a little disgusted by the bacon grease birthday cake frosting. Also, a cousin from Portland (land of the hipsters!) visited recently and brought us some chocolate bars from that have hazel nuts and bacon in them. I tried one, gagged and threw it away, but I have another one which hasn’t been opened. I’d be happy to send it to Past Jeff.

    • jeffandjill

      10/22/2014 at 3:10 pm

      This wasn’t written THAT long ago–May 27, 2012. Before I went to Bacon Fest where my bacon love was consummated. I also have another post from past Jeff that I’m polishing and will post about the time I went pheasant hunting. We only shot the guilty pheasants. Or maybe I won’t post it.

  2. My son is obsessed with bacon. In June he visited my parents and they took him to an all you can eat Sunday brunch and he filled an entire plate with bacon. After making his way through about three quarters of it, he turned to my mother and said “Grammy, I’ve just discovered that it IS possible to have too much bacon”.

    • jeffandjill

      10/22/2014 at 5:06 pm

      Ha! That’s awesome. Yeah, I wrote this dreck in my bacon-love heyday. I’ve cooled a little since then. I only posted it because I like the birthday cake part. And I’m stupid lazy. And stupid.

  3. Apparently Cassandra’s and my son were separated at birth (which makes perfect sense when you consider that Cassandra and I were also separated at birth), because my son went to an all you can eat buffet in Vegas (only with me, not with Cassandra’s parents–although if Cassandra’s parents want to take my kids off my hands from time to time, I won’t stop them) and loaded up a plate with as much bacon as he could stagger under. He did eat it all, but he wasn’t able to polish off the salami that he got as a side to go with his eight pounds of bacon. This doesn’t have a hell of a lot to do with you post, other than bacon, so, Hi Jeff!

    • jeffandjill

      10/23/2014 at 12:52 pm

      Hi Tracy! Me and my self-respect were separated at birth and my self-respect went on to love another man. And that man’s name was Eddie Vedder. Now you know the rest of the story.

  4. Dear Past Jeff, know that in the future some weirdo will go to work for Betty Crocker and create a Maple Bacon icing, just for you!

  5. I’d party with past Jeff.

    • jeffandjill

      10/27/2014 at 9:17 am

      If I could catch up with past Jeff, I would slap him so hard and then I’d throw a big toy centipede at him. Then I’d buy him a beer. Before slapping him again.

  6. I don’t think I like bacon as much as I’m supposed to like bacon. I like bacon. But I don’t LIKE bacon. I mean if it were a choice between bacon and say pizza, but there was no bacon on the pizza, I’d probably take the pizza. Or steak. I LIKE steak.

    • jeffandjill

      10/28/2014 at 10:09 am

      Steak. Yes to steak. All the steak. And pizza. You’re using all the right keywords. I will say that I used to LOVE bacon until everyone else LOVED bacon. Then it just made me feel like a knob. I hate bandwagons. I’m petty like that. Also, I’m always on one.

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