THE CENTIPENIS

Friends, feel free to stop right here. Because there’s only an “um” and an “or” separating humor from horror (ok, so there are two R’s in horror–the whole thing only really works when you say it aloud–but that’s really getting way off track here. JUST CALM THE HELL DOWN). However, this is America, and you have every right to read this post and decide which this is all on your own. Or don’t. Or really don’t.

Recently, I posted about the dream I had that got Jill to say “Yes I want more of this stupidity.” But there was another dream that I didn’t tell her about. One that may have changed her decision.

When I was a young non-man I had a defining dream. A simple dream. One that has stayed with me in vivid brutality for over three decades.

It wasn’t one of those dreams with a story attached. It didn’t include a muppet. There was no flying or running or conversation involved. If it was captured on film it might have lasted about twenty seconds. I was the only person in this dream.

It starts with me standing there naked.I don’t know where I am or how I got there. I just am.

I look down.

There’s my belly, my legs, my feet. My arms are dangling there at my sides.

Everything’s normal except for one thing: instead of my penis, I have a huge centipede.

It’s not one of those regular house centipedes that you slap with a flip-flop, leaving a smear on the wall and half a dozen twitching limbs. No. This is similar to the amazonian giant centipede you can find here. But worse. Its segmented body is a pulsing red, thick and muscular. At the end, are long antenna and huge mandibles like two opposing scythes. The jaws are opening and closing. Each yellow leg has a few visible joints, flexing as they paw through the air in horrible synchronization.

It’s stretching straight out from my groin. Like it was in the middle of a dark basement prowl, when I suddenly materialized around it.

As I realize that this centipede shouldn’t be growing out of my body, the centipede realizes that it shouldn’t be growing out of my body.

And it begins thrashing to get free.

From side to side it swings, in a furious S, bending back to attack my body with its powerful jaws.

It’s tearing chunks of meat from my thighs.

From left to right, I can only watch as it clamps down and tears into me in its panic.

As horrible and painful as this is, I still can’t bring myself to touch it. It’s ripping me up but I just can’t grab it.

The legs are scrambling.

I can’t see any eyes, but I can feel it looking at me.

It will chew itself free if I don’t do something.

So I grab it. It’s hot and waxy. I can barely get my hand around it. The legs are poking into my palm, digging for traction. They’re almost strong enough to force my hand open. But I hold on as it tries bending its head back to catch my finger, anything, in its maw.

I have it. It’s wriggling in my hand.

And I have no idea what to do with it now.

I wake up and scream for the next 30 years.

 

Happy Halloween

Next time when I warn you not to read, maybe don’t.

 

27 Comments

  1. Welp. This makes my FB comment about :”OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD IT HAS TEN BILLION LEGS SQISHITSQUISHITSQUISHIT. Ick!” super awkward, now, doesn’t it?

    Um…have a nice day.

    That’s all I got.

  2. Ok. Can’t unsee that.

  3. I was warned. And now I must avoid gardens and the undersides of plant leaves for the rest of my goddamn life.

  4. I’ve analyzed this dream for you.

    • jeffandjill

      10/21/2014 at 12:01 pm

      And? Should I just change my name to CENTIPETER and get that surgery I secretly want?

  5. The centipenis sounds like a marketable penis warming device that looks like a centipede. You should totally look into that! Sort of like a banana hammock or whatever. Lol. Also, you’re a little twisted in the head my friend.

    • jeffandjill

      10/21/2014 at 12:02 pm

      I think the dream was telling me that “From now on kid. all of your problems will come from here!”

  6. I have no idea how to respond to this one….All I can do is kick myself for letting my curiosity get the better of me, and not heeding your warning. And I so wish I hadn’t clicked on the link you provided. It made it so much worse. Why would you describe this as a defining and simple dream? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! I just hope I don’t have nightmares tonight.

    • jeffandjill

      10/21/2014 at 7:47 pm

      It was simple. My penis was a panic-stricken centipede. And it was defining. It scarred me for life.

      • So much more I could say about the “simplicity” of the panic stricken (not to mention angry, self-destructive, hostile and violent) centipenis…you know, with my background as a mental health professional and all…but I’ll refrain.

        I think all of us who have read this post may have been slightly scarred for life ourselves. Speaking only for myself, I think it was completely worth it! You are a fascinating and mysterious dude, Jeff.

        • jeffandjill

          10/22/2014 at 10:18 am

          Thanks. I’ve never been called mysterious before. That is a first. I’ve also never been called fascinating. But I have been called “Ass-ache.”

  7. Jesus. I’m not going to sleep. Ever again.

  8. This should be a movie directed by David Lynch. Or the guy who did that human centipede movie.

    • jeffandjill

      10/22/2014 at 2:23 pm

      This has been a thought of mine on and off for many a year. How to bring CENTIPENIS to as many people as possible. You can see that I have settled on a blog with a very non-existent select readership.

  9. I’m sure this is relevant. I’m sure of it. I once had a dream I was going to Blow Job school. You know, to learn how to give the best blow job ever. But before I could put any of my knowledge into practice, the Zombie Apocalypse came.

    • jeffandjill

      10/22/2014 at 3:42 pm

      And is “Zombie Apocalypse” another name for “Premature Ejaculator”?

  10. Why didn’t I listen to your warning??? Now I can’t unread that.

    • jeffandjill

      10/24/2014 at 8:34 am

      I tried to do everything I could to keep the world from knowing the horrors of the CENTIPENIS, going as far as posting it to a blog that no one likes. And I still failed at failing.

  11. Thank God you spoke up!! I thought I was the only one having this dream. It’s so good to know I’m not alone. *whew*

    • jeffandjill

      10/27/2014 at 9:16 am

      Maybe this is something we can discuss with the larger group at LogBloggers 2015.

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