Thanks a lot, RUINERS.

Why does everybody have to ruin everything? I’m a very simple man with very few joys and I really would appreciate it if you all would just stop walking right up to me and ruining shit for me.

Kirsten works in my office as my Starbucks guru. She does other things that she gets paid for, but her most important job and the best part of her day is when she gets to guide me up to the frothy top of Starbucks Reward Mountain like a Venti Sherpa. She drinks decaf, which is mankind’s greatest lie, but she often drinks free decaf so there is much to learn from her.

The other day, I approached Kirsten because I had offended the Michigan Avenue baristas. I am constantly mangling my orders and bringing shame upon my family. I ordered a pumpkin spice latte with an extra shot of espresso and it caused mass confusion. Asking for that one shot of espresso really threw them all off. So I needed Kirsten to translate this latest exchange to see where I erred and how much of a penance tip I owed them. And this happened:

“Hey Kirsten.”

“Hey Jeff.”

“I have a Starbucks-related question.”

“Do you ever do work?”

“I offended the baristas again.”

“What’d you do now?”

“I ordered a pumpkin spice latte and—“

“This was for you?”

The look on her face. It was the look of respect draining from her entire body. The “you” was an auditory slap. We stood there for a long time. In those eons, a realization dawned: Kirsten didn’t think any self-respecting man should be drinking a pumpkin spice latte. But I am no self-respecting man.

“What, you don’t think a guy can have a PSL?”

“Did you just call it a PSL?” my Venti Sherpa was leaving me on the mountain. This was getting worse for me.

“I think I’m comfortable enough in my, you know, identity, that I can, once in a while, enjoy a special coffee, you know, every now and again.” I was wilting.“PSLs are only here for a limited time!”

“Just make sure that you pull your sweater sleeves all the way down to your knuckles and hold the cup in both hands and look forlornly through a rain-streaked window as you drink it.”

Boom. PSLs fucking ruined forever.

What Kirsten couldn’t have known was that my wrapping-paper thin ego (not that expensive wrapping paper that you can actually fold and crease into neat lines—I’m talking about that Walgreens see-thru shit that means you also bought the gift at Walgreens and it’s a hat) had already been irreparably shredded just a few days before when my wife of 13 years questioned whether or not I was attracted to women. She didn’t put it to me quite so bluntly. How she put it was something like:

“I don’t know, are you even attracted to women?” So it was much more bluntly.

I sobbed out my defense. I told her that I do like women. I do. In fact I used to think Jennifer Lawrence was hot but she ruined J-Law for me.

“What do you mean ‘ruined Jennifer Lawrence’?”

“You told me that she looks like Elsa all grown up.”

“Oh.”

“So now, whenever I see that pic of her in American Hustle, in that white thing, crawling on the bed on all fours, you know the one, it’s ruined for me! I can’t enjoy it!”

“What do you mean ‘enjoy it’?”

“. . .”

“Did you call her J-Law?!”

All of this was too much. No J-Law or PSL or skull rings. Everywhere I turn, people telling me “you can’t be here or wear this or drink that or kick him.” It’s all ruined.

Like blogging. There are 4 guy bloggers. In all the world. It’s a known fact that a real man simply does not blog. He can’t. You cannot blog if you have a penis. Do you have male genitalia? Of course you don’t—you’re reading a blog. But if you did, and you tried to scoot up to a keyboard, you’d see right away that MAN MEAT will stop you from getting close enough to type. At best, you’d only be able to reach the bottom row of keys. And there are no vowels in the bottom row of keys. Good luck making any sense mashing at those letters with your junk getting all smashed up and purple against the keyboard. And if you think “A-HA, I’ll just use a laptop!” Forget it. It’s called a laptop, not a penistop. Ever try putting a laptop on a man pole? Your laptop will just slide right off. Then it will be a brokentop. Good going, man! Just had to blog didn’t you?

image

 

I now eat lunch at Twin Peaks every day. Since that is where the world wants me.

70 Comments

  1. I can think of at least FIVE male bloggers. So there.

    • jeffandjill

      09/26/2014 at 8:22 am

      Yeah well if I’m the fifth male blogger you know then you only know four.

  2. Hilarious! I’m afraid to try a PSL.

    • jeffandjill

      09/26/2014 at 8:20 am

      You can enjoy a PSL and blogging with impunity. Don’t know about skull rings, though.

  3. I’m going to try to reframe this positively for you: It sounds like your man meat is very substantial!

    • jeffandjill

      09/26/2014 at 9:26 am

      Well, when your wife wonders if you’re attracted to women and the one gay partner at your firm tells you “You look really homosexual today” then all the man meat in the world isn’t going to help you convince the world that you’re a flaming hetero.

      • Ah, c’mon Dude! You are actually a very stylish metrosexual man with a sophisticated and adventurous palate (for pumpkin spice lattes, that is). Plus, apparently you are attractive to both sexes–that’s a good thing. And what kinda wife doesn’t appreciate a man who only has eyes for her?!

        You might want to take the videos of yourself wearing a pink wig down from YouTube, though.

  4. Great lines throughout! Just don’t sit on the couch with your sweater stretched over your knees. It’s hard to be a man in a PSL world.

  5. What’s with all the PSL hate? It’s a frickin coffee, not a personality test. You need a cup of very manly tea with tea leaves for that kind of insight.

    • jeffandjill

      09/29/2014 at 11:14 am

      Sometimes I like to draw a bath, sip a PSL, and listen to some Air Supply. That’s Jeff time.

  6. “And there are no vowels in the bottom row of keys.”

    ~I read that as: “there are no BOWELS in the bottom row of keys.”

    (Not quite sure what that says about me.)

    But don’t question your masculinity. You look faaabulous in that pink wig. And if you can pull that off…well….you can totally rock a PSL. Ha!

    • jeffandjill

      09/28/2014 at 9:37 am

      If I did both the pink wig and PSL then I automatically get a spot as a host on The View.

  7. WOW. We totally just unintentionally used the phrase “man meat” in our latest blog posts.

    TWINSIES

    • jeffandjill

      09/26/2014 at 8:29 pm

      I KNOW! I meant to point that out but totally forgot. Must have been not thinking about J-Law.

  8. HA!

    “It was the look of respect draining from her entire body.”

    Hilarious!

  9. “Just make sure that you pull your sweater sleeves all the way down to your knuckles and hold the cup in both hands and look forlornly through a rain-streaked window as you drink it.”

    This, totally.

    But you know, Don drinks Bud Light Lime so…

    I don’t know, draw your own conclusion there.

    • jeffandjill

      09/29/2014 at 11:12 am

      One thing I conveniently left out in this post–I also indulge in Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Much worse than Bud Light Lime. MUCH.

      • My college roommate ordered a Mike’s for his 21st birthday and the female bartender laughed at him. So I understand the scorn.

        • jeffandjill

          11/14/2014 at 4:51 pm

          My sister-in-law still makes fun of me for moving aside a Corona to grab a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But it was hot outside and the Black Cherry flavor looked so refreshing! So I have a history.

  10. Get in your PSLs while you can. Before you know it, it’ll be GBL season (and don’t act like you don’t know what that is).

    • jeffandjill

      09/28/2014 at 9:33 am

      gamma-Butyrolactone? Of course I know what that is! It’s the common solvent and reagent in chemistry as well as being used as a flavouring, as a cleaning solvent, as a superglue remover, and as a solvent in some wet aluminium electrolytic capacitors.

  11. Please tell me you own Uggs.

  12. I want to know what prompted your wife to ask that question in the first place.

    And honestly, women shouldn’t be drinking pumpkin spice latte either. It’s like the Hallmark Holiday of coffee drinks. It’s just wrong.

    • jeffandjill

      09/30/2014 at 5:43 pm

      I agree with you about the pumpkin spice latte. Honestly I’ve only had it 3 times in my life. Because I like pumpkin pie. And caffeine. But yeah it’s wrong.

      As far as why Jill asked that: maybe someday I’ll be depressed enough to blog about the why.

  13. Look at it this way, if us male bloggers ever decide to have a convention, it’ll only require 2 tables slid together at a Buffalo Wild Wings. It’s financially responsible, really.

    • jeffandjill

      10/03/2014 at 10:23 pm

      That makes sense. Though I may request a change of venue from Buffalo Wild Wings to Twin Peaks.

      • Damn! I like that! There’s one in Orlando so that’s only an hour away. Congrats, you are officially in charge of deciding the venue from here on out.

        Unless one of the other 3 finds a suitable strip club, in which case, you’re fired.

  14. LOVE your blog and I’m so glad I found it!!

    I think men were born to write….. part of your genitalia is named after a PEN ffs!

    • jeffandjill

      10/07/2014 at 9:25 am

      And come to think of it, you can’t have BLOG without LOG!

      Glad you found me, too. I’m going to go grab my pen!

  15. Ah the PSL-Man Problem. I think the fact you called it a PSL gives you and extra punch in your man card. Men LOVE abbrevs. True, women have PMS, but you guys…you guys have J-Lo, E.D. and Low-T. Women don’t say they have PPD (post-partum depression) or that MKAFC (my kids are fuckin’ crazy). So if you want to drink your PSL, go right ahead. And the fact is that Twin Peaks can substitute as a euphemism for breasts and proves your manliness, but the skull rings…maybe not so much? 🙂

    • jeffandjill

      11/13/2014 at 11:29 am

      E.D. Ed. PLEASE tell me there’s an E.D. Ed somewhere on the Internet. If not, then we are all fools for not creating a twitter handle for this character who Fortune has determined to kick in the crotch repeatedly. Poor E.D. Ed. This PSL’s on me.

  16. As I stare forlornly out my windows, sleeves down, glass of wine in hand, I fear I’m not ironic enough to comment on your uber cool blog. Pfft. You said PSL as a dude. I think we can be friends…

  17. Love your blog, man. So glad Foxy Wine Pocket pointed me here.

    I blog too, which means i can reach the keyboard since I have a penis that looks like a baby carrot but more orange–probably should get that looked at one of these days. Can I still be the 5th man blogger despite the nibble of man meat?

    • jeffandjill

      11/14/2014 at 5:06 pm

      Oh that’s funny. I love the comments part of blogging. Yes, you can be 5th male blogger! We just can’t pee together. Because I don’t need another person blogging about how I bring a magnifying glass and tweezers with me into the john.

      I’ll have to check out your blog! Thanks for dropping in!

      I also use WAY too many exclamation points for a guy. Overcompensating? That’s for my therapist to decide.

  18. And now I need to know what free decaf is. I thought I knew all the Starbucks lingo! Nice to “meet” you.

    • jeffandjill

      03/13/2015 at 8:22 pm

      Yeah they should include a glossary in their app. Took me forever to know what a flat white is. I’m sooo looking forward to BlogU.

  19. You crack me the hell up. I cannot wait to meet you in person at BlogU. I feel kind of honored to be meeting exactly half of the entire male blogging population in one weekend. I’d suggest bringing just a notebook to the conference, though. Don’t want your man meat getting in the way of diligent note-taking.

    • jeffandjill

      03/13/2015 at 8:24 pm

      I’m going to support Mike Cruse and represent all PSL drinking men. I hope I have a blast but I doubt I’ll do prom.

  20. Oh, you’ll do prom…they all….do prom 😉

    So wait…there are other males out there like us?!? You mean there is hope?

    Great post man. Hilarious…and btw, lay of the PSL’s come on man!

    • jeffandjill

      03/18/2015 at 3:41 pm

      Well, I’ve moved on to the Flat Whites. Which is sad, really. Somewhere back in 1989, the 17 year-old version of myself is scrambling to make time travel a thing for the express reason of coming to 2015 and kicking the shit out of the wuss he’s become. but haha! The jokes on him because ME! Besides, I’ll just point out that he can’t get laid and he’ll just crumble in despair.

  21. Too funny. I think real men can drink Pumpkin Spice Lattes. They just can’t call them PSL’s.

    • jeffandjill

      05/29/2015 at 1:47 pm

      Well, when the girl scouts came and took my man card by force, it was at once the most liberating and humiliating thing to ever happen to me.

  22. Omg, this was absolutely hysterical. LOL. You just gave me an excellent morning laugh. SO good!

  23. Too funny! I do hate when my hubs wears rings or earrings (small half hoops) but not because gay thing, more of a “We’re past the 90s and lets not go back” type thing! It just wasn’t a strong decade for mens fashion! 🙂

    • jeffandjill

      05/31/2015 at 11:26 am

      I’m so proud that I resisted the ear piercing thing when I was a young 90’s man. And I only got my nipples pierced.

  24. Hey, I have a penis and I blog sometimes!!

    So I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but to this day, I didn’t know what a PSL was. All those times you used the term I assumed it was a girlie drink, yes, but I thought it had alcohol in it at least. You really are a bit of a woman, and this from a guy who openly drinks Bud Light Lime. Lol. Am I allowed to call you a woman or is that uber non-PC nowadays? Oh well, too late.

    We really are in the minority. I know a lot of dad bloggers now, so it’s getting better.

    Carry on sir.

    • jeffandjill

      05/31/2015 at 11:25 am

      Don–you can call me whatever you like. And you can drink all the BLLs or BLL Straw-Ber-Ritas you want.

      We need to create a multi-author blog that features all men–all funny men who aren’t trying to turning fathering into a civil rights crusade. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG with advocating for fathers and men being good fathers and the importance of fatherhood. I just want people to laugh.

  25. that’s bo-log-na (i like to break it down that way cuz who wants to say “baloney”? pft!)!!! and what i mean by that’s bologna, is that it makes me so sad that you being the super awesome you that you are makes you feel this way about yourself just because of how other people’s influences make you define your own manhood & selfhood. be you. and f* everyone who doesn’t like it or thinks less of you as a man or a person. not everyone thinks that way. suck it up and realize that there’s room for all of us. you’re not a teenager anymore but i’m guessing you’re still in your 20’s or early 30’s cuz hopefully by the time you’re a tad bit older, you’ll learn to love you for who you are regardless of what boneheaded society thinks of you…..otherwise, you’re screwed. lol! 😉

    • jeffandjill

      05/31/2015 at 11:20 am

      Thanks for the support. I will drink PSLs forever. Except when tiramisu lattes are available. Or eggnog lattes. So yeah, I’m cozy with who I am. But I find these reactions from people funny. In a good way. And Kirsten remains one of my best friends! But you’re absolutely right–be yourself. Always. Thanks for reading!

  26. This is my first read of a male blogger, I think…so you’re doing something right. What the hell does a PSL even taste like? I thought that was a Halloween/fall season kinda thing ONLY. You drink ’em year round?
    XOXOXO
    -Cali

    • jeffandjill

      05/31/2015 at 11:16 am

      PSLs ARE seasonal for the fall. This post is old and was just picked up and shared two days ago all over again. And I’m glad I might be your first male blogger.

  27. I think you’d get along fine in Seattle or Bloomington, IN.

    • jeffandjill

      05/31/2015 at 11:12 am

      Never been to Seattle. Will I have to wear a man bun? But I’ve been to Bloomington–gorgeous college town!

  28. Awesomesauce. You just keep doing “you”, & let the haters keep doing whatever the hell it is they do.

    • jeffandjill

      06/15/2015 at 2:47 pm

      Thanks Jen! For some reason your comment was locked in the AWAITING MODERATION limbo behind the scenes. I’m glad it’s free to run and play with the other comments.

  29. Happy PSL Day to my favorite PSL-drinking male blogger!

  30. You bought a pumpkin spice latte? But surely your a man?

    Alright, I admit that was a low blow, but then again, so it casting doubt on the existence of my genitalia just because I happened to be reading your blog. I’m a man. I’ve got the medical certificates and everything.

    • jeffandjill

      09/20/2015 at 10:04 pm

      There are 6 of us. When we reach 12 then we start looking for land to begin a blogging commune. We’ll all live in blog cabins. And women will have viewing towers where they can look in on us in ridicule.

  31. Some advice………. DRIVE THRU. You can order whatever you want and only the person on the headset will judge you. I always order my Starbucks at “Child Temperature” cuz I’m a gulper not a sipper. They almost ALWAYS giggle when I ask for it. Zero *ucks to give here! But I do leave an extra tip when they don’t laugh at me 😉

    • jeffandjill

      02/18/2016 at 4:40 pm

      That’s a good move. Come to think of it, why don’t porn stores have drive thru windows?

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