What do you do when your skull ring makes promises you’re not going to keep? When it broadcasts to the world that you’re something you’re not? When it continually gets you unwanted attention from very attractive men? Do you shelf the ring, vowing to never wear it in public again? No. You buy another one, a bigger one, one that they can see from space. And you slide that goddamned ring on the first finger that fits. And then you blog about it.
That’s what I did.
But this post isn’t about why I may or may not want to break men’s hearts—it’s about bad customer service.
HAHAHAHA! Now THAT’S stupid!
If you’re still reading, please know that if you continue to read I will spend the rest of this post complaining about Skulljewelry.com. If you’d like, here are some fantastically funny/thoughtful/intelligent blogs you could be reading instead:
ANYway, once upon a time I won a skull ring in a Facebook contest from Badass Jewelry. The contest was either “wear a pink wig and humiliate yourself and film it and make a YouTube channel out of it” or “like this post and we’ll pick a random winner.” I don’t remember which. But I won and they sent me a size 11 ring and it was too big for my ring finger. (I lost my wedding band, and that’s a whole other stupid story, but yes, this skull ring was supposed to replace my lost wedding band and that’s my prerogative.) So I emailed them and told them it was too big, “please send a 10!” and they said something like “no problem, send it back and we’ll replace it and ship you a new one free of charge.” I thought that was pretty generous considering I paid nothing for the ring.
Then I got lazy and just kept the damn ring. Because that was my prerogative. I wore it on my index finger instead of my ring finger and proceeded directly to Starbucks.
So fast forward about a year and I get this ad on my iPhone Facebooks from a Skulljewelry.com claiming they’re having a FLASH SALE and their black skull ring which was normally $70, was now only $17! Having zero self-control when it comes to skull rings and Stephen King limited editions, I immediately bought it. Right there on my iPhone. My thinking was that this skull ring would replace my wedding band, is what I was thinking. I ordered it a full size under the Badass Jewelry skull ring, thinking that all ring sizes are universal and one company’s size 10 would be another company’s size 10, is what I was thinking.
In the afterglow of the impulse buy, after receiving the confirmation email and the notice that my ring had shipped, I got another email. An email from one J.R. Jackson. I’m assuming J.R. Jackson is the progeny of J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson but I have no evidence to support that. This “Jackson” or “Jack’s Son” or “Son of Jack” proceeds to communicate, electronically mind you, that the ring I bought via the shady “flash sale” is out of stock in my size due to “inventory . . . not being updated” along with “media coverage” and he offers (funny how I’m assuming J.R. is a “he”) to send me a larger, more expensive ring at no extra charge to me.
This smells like so much of the bullshit. I suspected a scam and started to call on the Teamsters to protect me from this injustice. Then I remembered that I am no longer a Teamster and can’t count on them to make the world fair and safe. Without the Teamster Umbrella of Protection, I’m left to fend for my defenseless self. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO BARGAIN!!
With clearly no other option, I said “sure, send me the more expensive larger ring at no extra cost to me.”
And then the waiting game began.
Five minutes later, I received another email saying that my order had shipped. Unlike the first email that said my order had shipped, this one had a tracking number that worked. So I tracked. I tracked for days like a tracker until the tracking update said that my tracked package had been tracked all the way to my door. Which is the way mail works. You’re learning things.
I rushed home as fast as the Metra would take me, arriving at exactly the same time I arrive every day. Only on this day there was a package there. A tracked package. A small package. I tore it open. There was a large skull ring inside. Not a woman’s toe with green nail polish as I had feared.
I physically and emotionally pushed my children out of the way and slipped that ring on my ring-finger and it immediately slipped right back off. The size 10 skull ring from Skulljewelry.com was roughly the same size as the size 11 skull ring from Badass Jewelry. I could hear the sad trombone mock me in the echoes of my mind. It was like every pain from freshman year in high school revisited all at once. A vision of my mother floated before my eyes. A memory of the time she dumped a huge sack of cocaine over my head and sang, “Casper the Wussy Ghost! The wussiest ghost I know!” In that moment, it didn’t matter that that never happened—the pain was all too real.
And the worst thing, without a skull ring on my ring finger, I wasn’t legally wed to Jill and she could go to all the strip clubs she wanted!
Jill, smiling, dumping cocaine all over my head, singing the Casper song as her cigarette dances on her lips.
I emailed J.R.R. Jack’s Son and told him the ring was perfect in every way except one—it was too big. Could I have a 9 and a half. And here’s how our emailed convo basically went:
“We don’t have half sizes.”
“Okay, then I’d like to exchange it for a 9.”
“Fine, pay $7 for shipping and handling and I’ll send the 9.”
I paid the invoice via Paypal. And then nothing. I waited for my shipping notice to be emailed to me. Nothing.
I wrote him the next day. “I paid the $7, have you sent the ring?”
“Send the 10 back, and when I get the 10, I’ll send the 9.”
“But I paid to ship the 9. Could you just ship the 9 so I can try it on and then I’ll send either the 9 or 10 back?”
“Nope. It will screw up my inventory.” J.R.R.R. Son of Jack must stay up all night obsessing on inventory.
Essentially, I was looking at spending another $14 in shipping to exchange a ring I paid $17 for—all to get a different size that I couldn’t be sure would even fit. If I had both rings to compare, to be sure I was getting a ring-finger ring, it might have been worth it.
Instead I told him “If you’re not willing to let me try the ring on before I send one back, just refund my $7 and that’ll be that.” As in, I will never buy another ring from you because I can’t trust your goddamn sizes.
“I refunded the s/h,” were his last words on the matter.
I was a little pissed. Every step of the way, this J.R.R.R.R was wrong. He didn’t have the ring I bought in the flash sale, their size 10 was the same as the size 11 from their competitor, they didn’t have half sizes, and he wasn’t willing to let me at least try the ring on. Considering he messed up every other step of the way, you’d think he’d let inventory slide on ONE RING for a few days just to keep a new customer.
Oh well. He didn’t. I have a ring I didn’t shop for on a finger I don’t want to wear it on and you have a half-baked blog post with no real point. If you’ve read this far, I cannot refund your time.
Here’s another funny blog you could have read instead:
Oh and here are some pictures.