THE BABY BAKERY IS CLOSED

I’m writing this for my sake. To post it so I can read and reread until my eyes wither. To return to these words whenever life demands, and refresh my relief as often as I need to. So that when I’m feeling particularly stressed, I have this post to remind myself that no matter what it is, it could always be worse—we could be having another baby.

Without going into too great of detail, Jill and I had a very minor scare recently. Essentially, Elsa,* the Oracle of the Midwest, was upset with Jill and said “You’re just doing that because you’re pregnant.” It was completely out of nowhere and when Jill told me I dropped down right there on the floor and completely died.

Once I left my body, I ran my ass off for the light. My life flashed before my eyes, making me run even faster. The light was so warm—like perfect room temperature. And bright, but not stepping-out-of-the-movie-theater-in-the-middle-of-the-day-HOLY-SHIT bright. It was perfect.

I don’t think God was there, but someone was. His bouncer, St. Pete? I hope it was St. Pete, because that’s what I called him.

“Hey Pete, I’m here, open up! And hurry!”

“No.”

“What do you mean, no?”

“I mean no. Now is not your time.”

“Okay, Hell then.” I looked around but all I saw were foggy clouds. “Is there an escalator I gotta take? Or do you pull a lever and drop me down there via a trapdoor like in the cartoons?”

“You’re not going to Hell either. You’re not dead. You’re just fantasizing about this for a stupid blog post.”

“Well, I can’t go back.”

“ . . .”

“ . . .”

“Quit wasting my time.”

I opened my eyes and Jill was standing there with a pregnancy test strip that showed we were not expecting. Also, she had already remarried.

Relieved, I jumped up and declared “THE BABY BAKERY IS CLOSED!”

Jill just looked at me, like St. Petey did moments before.

“FOREVAH!”

Jill turned away and went out on a nice date night with her new husband. I think they went to Francesca’s on 95th.

 

 

 

* I LIKE “Essentially Elsa!” Maybe when she’s old enough to have a blog of her very own.

8 Comments

  1. Hilarious!!! Except for Jill remarrying, we”re really quite accustomed to seeing you and are not big on “change”, besides that, we love you.

  2. For a sec, I thought you were going to write about no more birthday cakes cuz of Gramma. I need another drink.

    • jeffandjill

      06/24/2014 at 7:11 pm

      Ha! No this has nothing to do with delicious cakes. And I could use two drinks.

  3. Yes…I am also pleased that my baby bakery is closed. Well..not functional…but that works too

    • jeffandjill

      07/09/2014 at 2:53 pm

      When we had two, I joked: “If we ever have 3, then the birth announcement will be in my suicide note.”

      Then we had the third baby.

      And Jill still looks at me expectantly. Waiting for me to make good on my declaration, I suppose.

      • I always said that when parents have to go to zone defense with children, they are in deep trouble. Glad you have beat back the suicidal ideation and are making the zone defense work.

        • jeffandjill

          07/09/2014 at 3:29 pm

          It also helps when you love the hell out of your kids. Love the living hell out of them. Makes hell tolerable.

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