Meet the Meat Saq

This is my very first NSFW post, I’m so excited. Seriously, don’t go any further than this if you don’t want to see lots of man meat.

Have you seen this?

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It’s been making the rounds on social media. The way pointless horrible things always seem to make the rounds on social media. And eyes are burning.

It’s called the Bulge Pouch, but I think that’s too vulgar. So I’m calling it the Meat Saq. That sounds classy and boutique-y.

Anyway, it’s a sure sign that we’re just about done here. Between the polar vortex in the winter and the threat of possibly seeing this thing at the beach in the summer, there’s simply no comfort to be found.

I really don’t know what I’m going to write about this swimwear(?), but I feel like I have an obligation to write about it. To document this historic turning point. It would just be downright reckless if I didn’t send out the call to my vast readership that the very fabric of civilization is under assault by the very little fabric in the Nut Saq. Oh yeah, I decided to call it the Nut Saq now.

Sometimes having a blog is a mighty responsibility. A terrible burden. That’s why there are so few bloggers in the world—not many people are up to the task of reporting on things like this. To walk to very limits of civilization and come back with horrible wicked truths. It takes grit. I’m gritting as I type these words.

What the hell are you doing, Society? You should know better. For the longest time, women have been put forth as objects of beauty. The female form has inspired countless art pieces and operas and whatever. Idolizing and objectifying women has kinda been Western Civilization’s thing. Apart from the Greeks and Michael Angelo and pro-wrestling fans, no one’s cared about the male form. At least, on a cultural level.

It’s been the norm for lady wear to get smaller and smaller. And we were all very disappointed as the U.S. unleashed the era of the Kardashians. But then you give us this? Is this some sort of Anti-Kardashian blowback? Are men really that competitive?

No. It wasn’t men. We did not do this to ourselves. I blame the Twilight series. Those were the movies that said men could be beautiful, too. Men could sparkle and pout and be ogle-meat. The Twilight series gave the world permission to see men as glistening muscle-farms. This breach in the social contract made the Junq Trunq possible. You read that right.

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Apparently, there’s a wire in there that makes this thing stay on. I really don’t want to know. I’d imagine you’d have to constantly be flexing a butt-cheek to keep whatever dignity you had left after being seen in this. And what happens if, you know, you get “happy?”

This thing demands investigation. In the spirit of professional bloggerism, I will model the Saq Saq and post the image on this blog for one hour. I’ve demonstrated in the past my commitment to my readers. Of course, the paperwork, procurement fees, legal fees, insurance costs, and therapist sessions will create a substantial financial hardship for me and my family. I’ll need to be reimbursed at least $1000.00. If you all send me $1k, then I’ll do it. For the benefit of huma—

WHAT? Women have launched a counter initiative? Called the C-STRING?!

Oh good lord!!

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Game over. Social norms have been restored. Go back to your reality TV.

 

 

 

 

 

9 Comments

  1. It makes me long for Speedos.

    And the c thingy? It looks like a sanitary napkin.

    or am I just old?

    • jeffandjill

      06/23/2014 at 3:05 pm

      What scares me is that there’s nowhere left to go. Unless we’re talking about fabric-less bathing suits. Which means paint. Painted on swimwear. For men.

      I’m one step closer to living on a ranch in Montana.

    • jeffandjill

      06/23/2014 at 4:33 pm

      BTW–your blog is goddamned funny.

  2. Holy Crap!! Why? Just why? Now, I am supposed to go back to work like everything is normal, but that is in my brain now. No words are left.

    • jeffandjill

      07/10/2014 at 9:21 am

      I know. But it’s better that you experience this here and not at the beach.

  3. Oh, holy hell. First, the Junq Trunq. Guys, why subject yourselves to the discomfort of an underwire? Have you any idea what can happen if and when an underwire mafunctions? For over the shoulder boulder holders, it means a punctured boob. Unfortunately, I know this from personal experience. And can you imagine the reasearch and development for this thing? I’m seeing cut up egg cartons and bent wire hangers on the kitchen table.
    That thing on the woman? Looks like she was cooking breakfast in the nude and accidentally sat on the spatula.
    Okay, this is far worse than any strange industrial carpet merkin I saw discussed over at The Bloggess. I hope she sees this.

    • jeffandjill

      07/13/2014 at 2:43 pm

      Upon seeing this nightmare, someone sent me a link to the merkin–which is classy by comparison. But I also Googled “C-string” and found something yet worse than what I posted about. So, of course, don’t do a Google image search for “c-string.” Don’t.

  4. P.S. 157 sold? Is someone forming a mini professional lacrosse league?

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